“I Only Want to Date You Because You’re Asian”

Four very annoying things some guys just don’t understand when dating an Asian girl

Shows like “Sex and the City” and “Girls” capture the difficulties single girls face in the dating world, but certain experiences are omitted. When some guys notice me or ask me out, I always think: “Is it because I am Asian?” Many guys (especially those obsessed with Asian culture) are prone to categorize me as a stereotypical Asian girl who is subservient and simple-minded, instead of a complex human being. This is reflected in online dating as well. The Apaforprogress.org article “Asian American Women and the Reality of Online Dating” explores the stereotypes Asian women face: “According to web sites aimed toward men seeking to date Asian women, Asian women are ‘known for their loving and gentle nature, they are extremely loyal, supportive, and dedicated to their men.’” Because of these assumptions many guys think they know who I am before we even meet. This stereotyping occurs so often that I feel compelled to make a list of the four most annoying things some guys do when dating an Asian girl.

 1. What’s your Chinese name? What does it mean? Guys obsessed with Asian culture are always curious about the names. “Oh it sounds so pretty,” they say once you tell them. Granted, my Chinese name actually means something (the child born at sundown), but some Asian girls are clueless how to respond because their name might not have an actual figurative meaning, or they are tired of telling people what it is. I’d like to ask some guys, “What’s your Celtic name?” Mr. I’m-so-curious-about-Asian-names guy.

 2. We should have Asian food. He figures that if you go to an Asian restaurant you will somehow miraculously know what to order. Just because I’m Chinese doesn’t mean I’m a pro at ordering Japanese food. Like most people, I get my usual sushi order of a California roll.

 3. What race was your ex? I’ve only heard this question a few times. But, somehow during all this cultural and ethnic interaction in this little place we like to call America, daters have become really curious about their potential date’s past partners’ ethnic orientation. Does it matter that my ex was Asian, white or maybe even Middle-Eastern? He’s still my ex.

 Contrary to common media portrayals–Sixteen Candles, “Two Broke Girls” and Charlie’s Angels– Asians are not a monolithic group that solely exist to be mocked, sexualized and/or pigeonholed. If my ex is Asian, that doesn’t mean I conform to the Asian female stereotype of being quiet and subservient. If my ex is White, that doesn’t mean I am a “Twinkie” who is Asian on the outside and white on the inside. Can’t we date outside our race without having to bind ourselves to our past partners ethnic orientation?

 4. What’s it like being an immigrant? Some Europeans new to America (and some Americans) sometimes assume that because you are not white, you are new to America too, maybe even fresh off the boat (F.O.B.). Although you may be American by nationality, as an Asian-American, your physiognomy often warrants people to see you as an immigrant. “So you now date Americans instead?” they will often ask me (Meaning I date white guys — American is often considered to be interchangeable with White). The concept of American’s synonymy with whiteness is not new and currently the definition of “American” is constantly evolving. As Hua Hsu wrote in his Atlantic article “The End of White America?” President Barack Obama’s first election spoke to a larger trend: “the gradual erosion of ‘whiteness’ as the touchstone of what it means to be American.”

 Putting me in a box, which poorly (if at all) defines who I really am, is not only annoying, it’s unfair and wrong. I once dated someone obsessed with Chinese food. He originally thought I was too, and then later realized that he loved Asian food more than I did. “I’m more Asian than you are,” he once declared. At one point in our relationship this Chinese-food-guy asked me to wear a traditional mandarin dress to a party, because he thought it would make me look more “oriental.” He even wanted me to put chopsticks in my hair! It’s the 21st century; I could have just worn a party dress. More to the point he only saw me as Asian and couldn’t see me as my own person. To him, my cultural identity overclouded the person I really am.

 Asian women aren’t the only fetishized group. Unfortunately, through media, e.g. movies and porn, some guys have developed certain fetishes when it comes to Black, Indian, Hispanic, and Asian women. These different races are often portrayed as exotic breeds that are for the taking. Black women are depicted as dominating, Indian women supposedly dance well, Hispanic women are “fiery latinas,” and Asian women are supposedly quiet and submissive, etc. These stereotypes often don’t hold true, so let’s put our racial stereotypes aside and start dating as human beings.