What’s Your Number?

Why we are encouraging each other to lie every time we ask this stupid question?

Like clockwork, in almost any new relationship I have ever been in, around the second date, every guy asks the one question no girl wants to hear: “What’s your number?”

I’ve always thought I was strange because I’ve looked at my own number of sexual partners as something to brag about. I had heard this statistic before and, thinking more women were like myself, thought it was false. A May 2013 survey conducted by Bobbie Malpass, a freelance journalist and blogger who focuses on women’s issues and sexuality, polled 1,632 men and women ages 18-30 about the lies they most commonly tell in a relationship. The survey revealed that men really do multiply their number by two when asked about their amount of sexual partners, while women divide their number by three.

This data came as a shock to me. I figured that, in 2014, society would have evolved enough and that branding women as sluts for sleeping with multiple partners, while praising men and calling them studs for their rosters, would be archaic. Of course, women have a long history of being shamed for their sexuality, while men are either applauded or disgraced for theirs, depending how many people they’ve slept with. There are countless lessons we are taught by the media and our parents at a very young age about our sexuality, almost all of them being: if you don’t wait to have sex until you find your Prince Charming, you won’t find him and live happily ever after.

Somewhere in my teens I decided that I didn’t want to be treated “like a girl.” I didn’t want to have to be a stereotypical girl, chaste and waiting for my Prince Charming. I thought I could sleep with as many men as I wanted, however many or few, and I would not allow myself to be shamed for it. And when I found my Prince Charming, he wouldn’t care how many men I had slept with before him. Obviously, that was just as much of a fairy-tale as the prior. It seems to me that women are chastened no matter how many sexual partners they have had (whether it’s three or 30) and men are embarrassed if they feel their number is not high enough. That’s just the way we have been conditioned by society to react to sexuality.

It doesn’t help that men are not the only ones who look down upon women. Women are usually the first ones to call each other sluts and the last to defend one another. The same goes for men. If a guy has slept with fewer women or men than his friends, he is ridiculed and encouraged to rectify it as if it is some sort of problem. If that wasn’t enough, we shame ourselves based on the reactions of others and what we have been taught to think about sex. Because of these facts, we continue to lie to each other about the amount of sexual partners we have had, and thus, the cycle continues.

The longer women continue to divide our number in two and give men the idea they need to bulk up theirs, the longer men and other women will have the chance to call us names. If we decide to become honest with others about our sexuality, instead of feeling embarrassed by it, maybe people will stop being surprised by the truth.

Think about it. If everyone suddenly answered that question honestly and we all stopped calling each other sluts, losers and studs, what would happen? If we stop giving others the chance to shame us by being open and confident about our sexuality, then maybe these stigmas could disappear, or at least become less extreme.

Of course, couples should talk about their sexual pasts before becoming intimate in order to avoid STIs and STDs. With that, this conversation should not be how many partners, but rather how recent, and if you’ve been tested since. As opposed to focusing on the amount of previous sexual partners our significant others have had, we should focus on sexual health and feeling comfortable being honest in our relationships instead of embarrassed.

Furthermore, if we stopped asking each other’s number of sexual partners altogether, the answer wouldn’t be such a big deal. If we concentrated more on our current relationships instead of our partners’ sexual pasts, maybe we could all feel just a little less ashamed. As opposed to feeling like you have to lie to your significant other, in fear of being demeaned, or even worse – rejected, you wouldn’t have to go there at all. In turn, your significant other wouldn’t have to worry about how they measure up to your former lovers, and you to theirs.

There are so many different things to worry about in a new relationship, your partner’s sexual past should not have to be one of them. Our sexual pasts need to be left in the past. And if we stop dwelling on those pasts, we can move forward not only with our current sexual partners, but also with the way we characterize men and women with regards to their sexuality.