Last week, during the highly anticipated self-care week, 68 puppies stormed out of the Lang courtyard in protest.
For the past few years, administration has organized a week of reiki massages (a healing practice focused on energy), ear acupressure, and puppy petting, in hopes of de-stressing students during their demanding finals schedules.
This year, the ordinarily positive week turned upside down as the human population was shaken when the puppy’s proclaimed they’re the victims of “unfair treatment.”
“The work and efforts we put in to arrive freshly groomed and positive goes completely unnoticed as the majority of students don’t even show up,” said Trixie, an 8-year-old Labrador, while wagging her tail.
The underground group of unionized puppies began just last week, when they were told that students were now permitted to take photos of them, protesters said.
“The unsolicited use of iPhone pictures, specifically to enhance human Snapchat stories was really the turning point in not wanting to participate for many of us,” a bichon-frise-poodle mix, named Henry, told The Free Press.
“I think I can bark for all of us by saying that we feel greatly taken advantage of, and hurt because this is not what we agreed to by volunteering,” Henry added.
“The coming together in protest was a positive outlet for their frustrated energy and I believe it to be a much better use of their time than playing fetch to alleviate such neuroses and stress,” said canine psychology expert, Dr. Barkin Woofwoof.
According to Dr. Woofwoof, trauma from being overly photographed, pet and prodded at can leave puppies riddled with anxiety and in need of Xanax riddled chew toys.
“The coming together in protest was a positive outlet for their frustrated energy and I believe it to be a much better use of their time than playing fetch to alleviate such neuroses and stress,” Dr. Woofwoof said.
However, Dr. Woofwoof does understand the toll this event has taken on the puppies and will be extending his office hours this week to accommodate those who are facing similar symptoms to posttraumatic stress disorder, and those who are dealing with hallucinogenic flashbacks of previous self-care weeks.
In a recent development, the same puppies who protested, “unfair treatment” during The New School’s self-care week, plan to strut in protest against the extremely slow running water dispenser in Lang’s cafe when classes begin after winter break.
“It takes our companions nearly four minutes to fill up a single dish for us to drink out of. We are really tired of it,” said Spots, a two year old dalmation.
All human students of The New School refused to comment on the puppy protests, and the more recent barks about Lang’s water dispenser.