Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where editors share thoughtfully researched solutions to questions about love and life. Send submissions via email to nsfplovelucy@gmail.com or through Love, Lucy’s official GoogleForm.
How do I keep from feeling guilty for not majoring in my passion and remain courageous enough to continue to pursue it?
Hamlet soliloquizes this very sentiment in his famed Shakespearean monologue. “To be, or not to be: that is the question,” he says. “Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer / The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, / Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, / And by opposing end them?”
While you are not a Shakespearean symbol, your question of seeking practicality versus passion, in one form or another, lurks at the back of everybody’s subconscious. Be aware of the factors influencing your indecision. Do not punish yourself for feeling unsure of which path to take.
“We’re expected to make decisions in high school and college about making a career, but we have no idea if we’re actually going to love that career. It can take a few years to figure that stuff out,” explains licensed acupuncturist and herbalist Paul Kempisty, whose holistic healthcare practice in downtown Manhattan often finds him treating people in similarly stressful situations. “It’s a complex world and there’s a complexity to the choices we make. Part of going to college is having an open mind to allow that passion to grow and change a bit. Our Emerald City—our goal or target—can evolve as well.”
Consider Mia Eaton, a writer, editor, and technology consultant who is also a faculty advisor to The New School Free Press. Although it was her foremost passion, Eaton felt restricted by shyness and potential financial stresses to seriously consider pursuing a career in writing when she was a student. Though she ultimately graduated early with a major in English, she immediately obtained her realtor’s license, anxious about supporting herself as an adult. But her career trajectory changed when a roommate helped her get a job as a copy-editor.
“I went from copy-editing to photo editing, to becoming a front-end web developer. This is a combination of luck, who you know, and being ready when the opportunity comes,” Eaton says. “Here was something that brought together all the things I’d always loved—reading, writing, research, psychology of the user experience, photography and graphic design—that all came together in a completely new way. I couldn’t have dreamed of this as a little girl, because it hadn’t existed yet.”
The lesson of Eaton’s path, one you can model for your own, is that it may take time to grant yourself permission to pursue your goals. Balancing creative work that allows you to grow your skills and ideas with jobs that provide you an income to pay your rent “can be a springboard for you to reach your passion and your true goals,” Kempisty says. “I think it’s important for people to be clear on what they want to constantly refresh their resolutions.”
Conceptualizing potential choices for you to make, like researching classes that directly relates to your passion, can be the first step in releasing yourself from the guilt you describe, and adopting the courage you seek. Life coach John Kalinowski agrees. “It’s important that you create a vision for how you want your life to unfold. Not just what do you want to be, but who do you want to be?” he says. “Describe that person, and what a typical day or week looks like and feels like. Then expect that whatever you envision now will change over time, but just having a vision gives you something to move toward.”
How do I get my family to accept that I want to make my own choices (job, appearance, etc.)?
When the Founding Fathers sought colonial independence from the British so many centuries ago, they, too, knew they needed a concrete plan of action—though they didn’t have Britney Spears’ incredible “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman” to be the soundtrack of their situation. So in that way, you can consider yourself luckier than Samuel Adams.
Acupuncturist and herbalist Paul Kempisty says in this situation, it’s important to remember that your entire family is involved, because though you “don’t want to smash [your] connection with [your] roots, [your family] seems to have a problem with who [you are] becoming.”
He suggests conducting a personal self-examination. “Everyone has conceptions and preconceptions that they are and are not willing to bend. Try to stay true to and continually reinvestigate who you are and what your values are, and stay committed to your family values, too.”
Getting your family to accept your ability to make autonomous choices will not be an overnight transformation. While it is difficult to communicate your need for self-sufficiency to parents who might not want to relinquish control, guidance and college counselor Dr. Robin Boren advises taking a positive approach.
“You get further with a sincere compliment than with confrontation,” she says. “[Someone] in this situation [can] say to a parent, ‘I appreciate that you’ve given me a solid foundation of values and helped me develop a strong identity and positive sense of who I am.’”
Adopt this script to further explain how your parents’ teachings have and will continue to aid you in navigating adulthood on your own. Try communicating your needs with your parents calmly. In the end, they will hopefully recognize your individualism as a byproduct of their guidance. “This conversation will take the sting out of what otherwise might cause anguish and frustration. Parents want to pass on the wisdom of their experiences to ease the way for their children,” Boren says. “But as hard as it is to accept, parents must acknowledge that kids must find their own path.”