Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where editors share thoughtfully researched solutions to questions about love and life. Send submissions via email to nsfplovelucy@gmail.com or through Love, Lucy’s official GoogleForm.
Hi, Lucy!
While ending my first year in college, I’ve definitely been learning things and “realizing stuff,” including some changes that I need to make in order to make my college experience better. One of those changes would be saying, “No.”
There are many examples, but to keep it simple, one situation is when it comes to food. I came into college agreeing that it would be a good idea to share food with my roommates, and it did work for a little while, but I’m seeing that it’s not a good idea for me to continue sharing as much in the future—I just can’t afford to feed two people, because my income is so unstable. I’m expected to buy, replace, do my part, and repeat because I eat like everyone else, but this cycle has twice left me in a very deep financial rut.
How can I manage until the end of the year, and how can I gracefully suggest to independently buy and eat my own food next year?
Thanks,
Yeswoman
Dearest Yeswoman,
You strike me as a selfless, respectful, and thoughtful individual—after all, if you possessed none of these characteristics, perhaps you would’ve started a brawl over who gets to gorge on the last slice of bread in the basket!
I, too, find saying “No!” difficult at times. Reading “Why You Should Learn to Say ‘No’ More Often,” a New York Times “Smarter Living” article published yesterday, might broaden your understanding of the benefits that come from saying “Yes!” selectively. Considering your level of empathy, it is additionally important to analyze yourself in the context of this situation, as well. You can no longer be passive in your relationships or in how you handle your spending.
You clearly value your relationship with your roommates, but if you are “expected” to literally bring home the bacon for your entire dorm room/apartment/home, you are being taken advantage of. A healthy living space can only exist if everyone is comfortable communicating and contributing their fair share.
“As people, we have a tendency to feel like we are always washing more dishes than our romantic partners, doing more work on a group project than other group members, and—in [your] case—contributing more food than our roommates,” explains Shai Davidai, an assistant professor of psychology at NSSR. “It’s just so much easier to think about all the times I did the dishes and I cleaned the apartment and I bought groceries, and so much more difficult to bring to mind of all the times that the other person did all of that. So, are you really buying more food than your roommates, or does it merely feel like you are doing so?”
Assuming that you plan to live with these same roommates in the upcoming academic year, use this time to explain how you feel in a calm, non-confrontational tone and setting. Politely asking them to refrain from snacking on your strawberries and other groceries is justified and understandable. (We are all hardworking college students in New York City, after all!)
Suggesting ways in which you and your roommates can further share the costs of shopping, like splitting the total costs of the weekly supermarket haul, is another option, too.
Refinery29’s Money Diaries is a useful series that details the weekly budgets and spending habits of different individuals from all socioeconomic classes. Taking some time to scour through other people’s purchasing patterns might help you figure out the best ways for you to budget for yourself in the meantime and in the future.
“Sometimes the problem isn’t the ‘nightmarish roommate’ but the ‘unassuming, angelic roommate,’” author Harlan Cohen said in a 2012 New York Times article about handling roommate conflicts. “If the ‘innocent’ roommate is unwilling to talk about what’s making [them] uncomfortable, the issue cannot be resolved.”
Love,
Lucy
Header by Alex Gilbeaux
