“I know you said you want someone that’s down for you no matter what the circumstances are. I know it took me a while, but I do want to be with you. I am down for you, and I’ll do anything to make this work.”
I read this text message nine months ago in my apartment in New York City surrounded by two of my closest girlfriends after Nicholas Fuentes, the boy that I had the biggest crush on, finally told me he wanted to be with me after two months of getting to know each other. He anxiously awaited my response 2,920 miles away, during a long and stressful day at work in California.
We met briefly in Los Angeles, California, where I was born and raised, at a summer party thrown by a mutual friend. I didn’t think much of it, but after a few months, we reconnected in the winter and developed a great friendship which was followed by his visit to New York. I had dreamt of the day he would ask me to be his girlfriend, but when asked, I really didn’t know what to do. Was it realistic? Could it last?
I told him I had to think about it. After a few hours, I took a leap of faith and said yes.
Making the decision to be in a long distance relationship is never easy, but in my case, knowing he wanted to transfer to school to New York made me feel better. While there were no concrete steps to his move to the east coast, I don’t know that I ever would have decided to date him if he did not tell me that.
Over nine months later, I am thankful I chose to take the risk. My long distance relationship has been full of up and downs, like any other relationship, but this situation has helped us grow both together and individually — in a way we would not have otherwise.
According to Marketwatch, 14 million couples are in long distance relationships. According to StatisticBrain, 58 percent of singles are open to long distance relationships.
It’s clear that this phenomenon is here to stay and is working for many. But why is that?
According to Reader’s Digest, long distance relationships work and can even be considered healthier than relationships that are closer in proximity.
“It seems like the big finding here is that because of the distance, [long distance relationships] force greater communication and deeper communication,” said Vinita Mehta, a PhD clinical psychologist and writer.
Long distance relationships force partners to connect beyond a physical level. When you are not physically together, your only choice is to talk and learn about each other. My boyfriend and I talk at least once a day on the phone or FaceTime, where we exchange our days, complain about missing each other or make plans for the next time we’ll see each other.
“I really do think it strengthened my trust and communication,” said Christian Glover, a strategic design sophomore at Parsons. Christian was in a long distance relationship for a little over a year, until his boyfriend moved from Colorado to New York.
“You’re forced to talk, and you’re forced not to talk,” Glover added. “Having the roots of that trust and ways of knowing each other without a physical sense is important. It’s not all about physicality,” he continued.
While living two completely separate lives may make the relationship feel boring, you always have new things to discuss and share with each other. On top of that, you are forced to remain independent and live your own individual lives without doing everything together or making choices based off of each other.
“One of the things I like about being young and in a long distance relationship here is that I can kind of be my own person and still grow and figure out what I like to do as my own person, but I get the support of someone even if they’re not physically here,” said Emily Starobrat, a fashion design senior at Parsons. Starobrat and her boyfriend from Los Angeles, California have been in a long distance relationship for almost three years now.
I have found being apart to be particularly useful in college. I have the freedom to live my life as I please, spend my time with different friends and focus on my education, instead of being distracted. While I sometimes feel lonely, I always know my partner is just a call, text or Snapchat away.
Technology is a central component to maintaining a long distance relationship, but it comes with its consequences. “I feel like I’m always texting a person, but I don’t know who they are,” said Starobrat. “Even like on FaceTime sometimes I get so into the conversation that I think he’s actually there for a second, and then I realize I’m living in a screen,” she continued.
The distance is hard to manage, but long distance relationships are also fun because your time spent together is more meaningful. Since you see each other less often, trips and special plans are extra special, and you don’t take the other person for granted. I am fortunate enough to explore two major cities with the person I love most, so we make sure to make our time together count. We always have fun eating In-N-Out together in Los Angeles and Halal Guys in New York. Some days we will go out and explore, while other days we’ll just lay around all day and enjoy each other’s company.
“When she comes to visit me, we have all these things that we do together like go on dates, explore different places in New York, we visit her family more, we plan things to do together every time she’s coming here or I go there,” said Linett Santana, a transfer student that just graduated in fashion marketing at Parsons. She has been in a long distance relationship for two years now with her girlfriend who lives in the Dominican Republic, where they are both from. “We make a list of at least 10 things or places that we want to go to together,” she added.
“I think one of the benefits is that you really appreciate the time that you actually get together,” said Angela Yang, a senior studying communication design at Parsons. Angela and her boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for four years. Her boyfriend is usually in Denmark, but is currently studying abroad in Beijing.
The time difference is usually six hours apart, but is now 12 hours apart since his move to Beijing. “I can’t tell him things right when they happen, which is really tough,” said Yang. Due to these limited times to talk, they often have to talk about serious things faster than they would in a regular relationship.
“Even though I’m so independent, he’s always there for me when I really need it,” Yang said. “At the end of the day, we know we love each other, and that we are better together than apart,” she continued.
I think long distance relationships are an important experience to have as long as they are temporary. Personally, I believe there should be an end goal to every relationship that couples are working towards. In my situation, I was willing to date Nicholas because of his desire to pursue his education in New York. While nothing was guaranteed when we started dating, I was willing to take the chance because of the possible reward.
That being said, long distance relationships are not even the slightest enjoyable to some.
From not spending special occasions together to having to work through fights on the phone rather than in person, Santana does not think there are any benefits to her long distance relationship. “If I could, I would always be with my girlfriend. She makes me feel like I’m home and there’s no other better feeling than that one for me,” she said.
However, those of us in long distance relationships do feel as if they are legitimate and as real as any other relationship.
“When people say that long distance relationships are bullshit, I think that’s bullshit. I think there’s a fear behind it,” said Glover. “If you can get over that, it’s amazing,” he added.
But one thing is for sure, long distance relationships change people and push them to grow. “This relationship has taught me how to be more accepting and more patient, even with others. It has also taught me that the better things in life do not come easy,” Santana said. “Always explore,” she answered when asked what she would say to others debating a long distance relationship.
“I grew a lot. I learned a lot about myself and my personal boundaries and limits,” said Glover.
Everyone’s situation is different and some are more complex than others. Long distance relationships can take weeks, months or even years, but I do believe they are a healthy and beneficial experience for everyone to go through. You have space to find yourself and to grow as an individual. When and if you finally end up together physically, you will not resent your partner for holding you back from experiencing life the way you want to and your relationship will be more meaningful.
While being in a local relationship is undeniably more convenient, long distance relationships will push you and your partner to cherish each other, as well as your individuality, in a very special way.
Illustration by Olivia Heller