You walk into Whole Foods and are hit in the face with pink roses, chocolate covered strawberries, and heart-clad cards. The dreaded holiday is approaching. Valentines Day? No, but another calendar date celebrating love. Mother’s Day.
My mom passed away a few months before my fourteenth birthday after a four-month battle with an unannounced intruder, cancer. She was a force to be reckoned with, the brightest light in any room, a powerful single mother, and my world. So, what is one to do when their world stops turning? And you’re reminded every May?
Each day her absence consumes immense emotional energy – and days of celebration require even more. Every February 14th she was my Valentine, December 25 she was my Santa Claus, on game days she was my biggest fan, and the second Sunday in May I got to shower her with those pink roses and chocolates.
The first few Mother’s Days after the passing of my mother, I comforted myself in uncivilized amounts of Ben & Jerry’s, Gossip Girl, and zero human contact. Being honest with myself, I knew these coping mechanisms did not honor my mom. Besides, she was much more of a Grey’s Anatomy type anyway.
Six years later, I’ve learned that the difficult days are the biggest opportunity for self-care and celebrating my mother‘s memory. Here are some of my tips for the sons and daughters celebrating Mother’s Day without their mom.
- Self care day : Whether your mother isn’t here or is not present, it is never a bad idea to remember to love yourself first, especially on a day that takes a toll on you. Dedicate a day to yourself – do a facial mask, book a massage, hot yoga, or indulge and buy that pastry you’ve been making eyes with every morning on your Starbucks run.
- Share her memory : Spend the day with those who loved her most on a day dedicated to her memory. It helps to know you are not the only one missing her. Sharing old stories, listening to her favorite music, wearing her favorite color, and eating her favorite foods. My mom had a saying, “color courage”. So something small I do whenever need her with me is to sport my brightest colors to honor her.
- Do something to celebrate her – an old tradition : You and your mother have a lot of traditions together, traditions you miss. It can be emotionally tolling, but try and take today to relive your favorite memory with her. Example : Follow your Sunday tradition of getting dinner at your local chinese takeout and sneaking it into the movies.
- Do something to celebrate her – a new tradition : Create your own way to honor your mother on mother’s day. Was she artistic? Write her a poem. Did she always get on you about wearing sweats too much? Make an effort and throw on something that would make her proud.
- Steer clear of social media : Jealousy, reminders, sadness, you can’t explain it, but when you see that girl from your journalism lecture post a picture kissing her mom on the cheek with a lengthy caption – your stomach drops. Do yourself a favor, do not expose yourself to social media and plague your mind with the “what if’s”. Keep your mind clear and smile remembering the “remember when’s”.
- Bond with your siblings – The only people who have an idea of what you are actually going through are the people who are going through the same exact thing themselves. In my own experience, regardless if it is just watching Netflix or running errands, having my older sister near makes all the difference.
- Do something to celebrate those who have supported you since she’s been gone: I was lucky enough to have a strong community of friends and family who went out of their way to shower me with support and love. Including just simply being there – not to replace her, but to fill a gap on important days when I needed her most. It’s a rewarding feeling when you to take the time to acknowledge the people that make up your support group, and letting them know how much they have helped you keep her memory alive. Ways you can do this: send an edible arrangement, write a letter, or a simple call.
I am publishing this list, but I am no professional on coping mechanisms. We are all still looking for ways to make the tough days a little more bearable. And you know what? If this Mother’s Day Ben and Jerry are the only company you want, then listen to your intuition. Only you know what is right for you.
Happy Mother’s Day to the amazing Mothers who walk beside us and the Mothers who simply live in our heart.