Erin Khar started using heroin at age 13. In her memoir, “Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies That Nearly Killed Me,” Khar describes the pull toward heroin as wanting “the kind of high that erased the world around you… to feel anything else other than everything I have ever felt.” It worked: heroin helped her numb her feelings and escape the pressures that threatened to kill her. By averting suicide, taking heroin saved Erin’s life.
Until it didn’t.
Years later, Khar found herself lying to her closest friends, stealing family heirlooms to pawn them, and doing whatever it took to get her next hit–all while despairing that the hit itself seemed less effective at diluting emotional pain.
“Strung Out” is an honest, vulnerable, and ultimately uplifting memoir about Khar’s journey into and out of addiction. It shines a new light on the opioid crisis: in Khar’s journey, addiction starts well before drugs enter the picture, with sexual abuse at age 4. The trauma of the abuse, and the inability to heal from trauma as a child, created an opening for anything that promised to make the hurt go away. Her recovery only took root with the help of psychologists and psychiatrists to address the trauma, on her own and with her family.
Khar, who received her MFA from The New School in 2014, is now 46, married with two children and a thriving career as an editor at Ravishly, an online news and culture publication with an intersectional feminist lens. She has been sober for 17 years. I asked Khar to talk more about her journey with addiction and her experiences as a college student.
Andy: In the book, it’s stunning that heroin saved your life early on. It literally kept you from suicide and kept you alive long enough to actually deal with trauma. If you could go back to your 13-year-old self, what would you tell her?
Erin: I would tell 13-year-old me that she’s not broken, she’s not a monster. I would tell her that she can show people who she is and what she feels and they will still love her; she doesn’t have to do this alone.
A: You started college at a young age, then dropped out due to addiction. What advice would you have for college students navigating addiction today? What about their professors, advisors, and peers?
E: College is not more important than health. And addiction is a health issue. It can be terrifying to reach out for help, to admit you have a problem, but hiding it and trying to fix it without outside help prolongs the process. For professors, advisors, and peers, I’d say what I say to anyone about addiction: come from a place of empathy, remember that this a human being struggling with a human condition. Kindness and reminding the person struggling that they have not lost their humanity goes a long way.
A: You actually did go back and finish your degree. And you studied at The New School. How do you think your perspective on school changed after you were older and sober?
E: Oh my goodness, I appreciated it so much more. I got a lot more out of it than I was capable of when I was a teenager. I came back to school for me and it was where I began writing again, so it changed everything for me.
A: In the book, you talk a lot about how the shame we carry hurts us. And it was your parents, Pete, Diana, and your friends seeing you at your absolute worst and still loving you, that helped you move forward. If there’s a student out there who feels like no one could possibly love them, what would you say?
E: You are worthy of love. You are worthy of shelter, food, and kindness. You are not your addiction. And, no matter how much it may feel that way, you are not alone.
A: Where did you first seek help? What advice would you have for students at The New School struggling with addiction?
E: I first sought help when I got caught at the 23 and went to rehab for the first time. It took me another five years, many relapses, and a mother trip to rehab, for that help to work in a lasting way.
My advice to students at The New School: If you’re struggling with addiction, you are not alone. Nearly 20 million Americans are struggling with a substance use disorder. The first step to getting help is finding someone to confide in. The turning point for me was the ability to get honest with the people I love about my addiction and the underlying causes behind the addiction.
A: Is there anything else you want people to know about your book that I haven’t asked you about?
Erin: I just want to reiterate that addiction is not a moral failing. It is a health issue. And those struggling are humans dealing with a human condition. My greatest wish is that people come away from reading my book with hope, with a better understanding of addiction, and a willingness to speak about it candidly.
Khar’s book launch was held at Books Are Magic on Feb. 25 in Brooklyn, with a standing room-only audience. You can order the book here. Khar also writes an advice column at Ravishly, Ask Erin, with the tagline: “She’s made all the mistakes so you don’t have to.”
The Mental Health Substance Abuse Counseling (MHSAC) office and The New School’s Student Health Services have joined forces to provide Brief Alcohol and Screening Intervention for College Students (BASICS), “with the goal of cultivating a nonjudgmental awareness of students’ drinking patterns and developing ways to reduce risk and enhance well-being. For students curious or concerned about their alcohol and/or other substance use, they offer free, confidential sessions.” For more information, email basics@newschool.edu.
Andy Bandyopadhyay is a continuing education student at The New School, and Head of Product at the Financial Health Network, a nonprofit dedicated to improving financial health for all.