Shame and shaming comes in a variety of shapes and it’s never good. We see it in the way people maliciously bully each other online and the way individuals develop eating disorders to attempt to look a certain way.
While it might initially feel satisfying to make someone feel as shitty as they’ve made you feel, humans will not reconcile their feelings if they are not actually empowered to be better – to change something. This is why shame can’t be used as a tool for change and why you shouldn’t wish shame on anyone, even if they are horrible. It can’t and won’t actually benefit you.
Philosophers like Aristotle argue that even when shame does motivate change, it’s surface level and doesn’t actually have to do with the person’s morals. Marta Jimenez’s “Aristotle on Shame and Learning to be Good,” argues that shame “is thought to be problematic in at least two ways.” The “heteronomy problem” inhibits a person’s autonomy to learn right and wrong for themselves, meaning that people are making good choices just to avoid said shame. And the “superficiality problem,” that a shamed person is more worried about having the reputation of virtue instead of actually being moral.
Shame-driven morality is all around us. We see this in some political candidates who are more worried about securing votes for their next campaign than actually creating change in their positions. We also see it every time a celebrity posts an apology video on the day of some misdeed or horrific action. It’s possible, if not likely, that in both cases, people don’t actually believe in what they are saying (or posting) but are instead trying to relieve some of the shame they are feeling or receiving.
Shame is an age-old practice, as old as social conventions themselves. Often conflated with guilt, shame tells us not that what we did is bad, but that we are bad. Instead of motivating us to change our behavior, shame tells us we are our behavior; we are irredeemable and therefore can never change. Some research connects shame to early disgust and disease-avoidance cognitions, or the cognitions that humans developed to avoid things that might be potentially harmful, socially or physically. Some also connect shame to ego and the development of weighing personal benefit with social convention or being seen as less than. Regardless, shame and shaming is a rampant disease in our culture.
Sometimes we recognize shaming and give it a well known label like body-shaming and cock/penis-shaming. Both attack an individual for something they are unable to change, both don’t make any positive social difference. Other times we feel ashamed and are unable to name it: the feeling you might get from wearing a band tee and being asked to name five songs from the band and not knowing any. Or worse, not even knowing it was a band tee at all.
We often try to shame people into morality. Politicians will use shame to ostracize opponents and increase partisanship. We also unintentionally use shaming techniques in our everyday lives when trying to make people act a certain more “permissible” way. Like the look you might give someone when they say something you feel is inappropriate for the setting instead of engaging in conversation to better understand their viewpoint.
Shame can have extremely adverse mental health effects. This is especially true for adolescents. In a 2009 study, it was reported that teens between the ages of 11 and 16 who were more prone to shame were 30% more likely to experience symptoms of depression.
For some, shame might feel like a fitting punishment for whatever the person may have done. Not raising Part-Time faculty salaries in eight years, bullying for years on end, harming a great number of people, you name it. Shame turns people inward and isn’t conducive to self-reflection – only self-hatred. Self-hatred or hatred of the world doesn’t make people more empathetic or more receptive.
Avoidance of things you’ve done doesn’t fix them either. A 2006 study found that shame “predicted avoidance tendencies,” where guilt did not. This means that reparations of the issue at hand are never made. People are too busy feeling bad about themselves to realize that they can have a hand at righting their wrongs.
More tragically, shame can lead to thoughts of self-harm, or even suicide as a result of the rumination and self-hatred that shame can spur – as well as the punishment someone who feels intense shame thinks they deserve.
When people experience guilt, on the other hand, it’s more likely they will turn outwards and attempt to correct their wrongs. This is because guilt emphasizes that what the person has done is wrong and not that they, as a human being, are intrinsically wrong.
Critics of the eradication of shame in our culture will say that shame helps develop empathy and a strong moral code, often tying in religion. Many psychological science experts don’t agree. June Tangney, a psychological scientist who specializes in shame, links shame to a potential for increased recidivism, the potential a person who has been convicted of a crime will reoffend, in comparison to guilt. Humans have an amazing capacity for resilience and change, if given the opportunity. But shame doesn’t allow this opportunity.
Tagney also linked shame to addiction in 2005. She found that a “shame-prone” person who is told off for being late to work after a night of heavy drinking might be likely to think, “I’m such a loser; I just can’t get it together,” whereas a guilt-prone person might think, “I feel badly for showing up late. I inconvenienced my co-workers.” Feelings of shame can be paralyzing; they lead to insecurity and can often end up causing cyclical damage because the shamed feel unable to change.
Tagney’s research points to the larger issues shame can create and shows us that we cannot see external change when we’re so internally caught up in feeling ashamed.
To avoid this phenomenon of self-hatred and unsustainable change, we first need to understand what shame looks like, and what it feels like. We need to think twice the next time we say, metaphorically or not, “shame on you.” Is that what we really mean? Or are we trying to inspire a real change – guilt that can turn to purpose, to action. We need to walk the fine line that separates accountability and shaming.
This is beautifully articulated!