Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to questions about your life. Send submissions via email to nsfplovelucy@gmail.com or through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form.

“I have a problem – punctuality! I am a person who is very on time. I noticed a lot of friends I have show up 15-20 minutes late for things. It kinda makes me feel like my time isn’t respected! What do you think?” -E.R, early and upset

Dear Reader, 

In the interest of transparency, I must admit something: I’m chronically late, too. Not fifteen-minutes-past-brunch-plans late, but fatal-flaw-in-my-identity late. To my core, I am regrettably, deeply, fundamentally, late. I know it may be frustrating to read, but I think the insight might actually give you an advantage in navigating this. I’m being honest, maybe to a fault, so you should really heed my warnings.

My high school years were plagued with truancy warnings. My parents staged periodic interventions for me but nothing seemed to make a difference. The reasons varied. It didn’t matter what it was, early class or a movie night with friends. I have been late to not one, but three funerals. Maybe I took too long getting ready, or I didn’t get enough sleep the night before. But none of these were valid excuses for my behavior to be repeated so frequently – I would guess that neither are the ones your friends may or may not give.

What I’m trying to say is, you’re right: your time isn’t being respected. Most likely, it’s completely unintentional. But that’s the problem– the thoughtlessness of it. After years of ruminating on my own tardiness, I can assure you of one thing, the last thing on my mind was respect. I couldn’t understand the extent of what time meant to my parents, my friends, or my teachers, because time didn’t seem to work the same way for me. 

No matter how redundant it may seem, there is value in stating the simple: not everyone thinks just like you, responds just like you, acts just like you, or has exactly the same quirks and bad habits that you do. Friendships take communication, and even more critical, understanding. 

British psychotherapist Phillipa Perry proposes that chronically late people may be “unreasonably optimistic.” Meaning that in a given amount of time, they believe that they can accomplish more than is possible (otherwise known as the planning fallacy).

For example – it takes about twenty-five minutes to walk from my apartment to the Lang building. But if I take the L to 6th Ave, it only takes seventeen. And if I get there right when the train does, it could only take eleven. So, I can leave ten minutes later than usual. And in that ten minutes, I can make breakfast, have coffee with my roommates, do my thirty-minute makeup routine, do my hair, and get dressed. I’ll get distracted talking to my roommates, I won’t compress a thirty-minute routine into five minutes, and the train won’t arrive right when I get to the station. But, for some neurotic reason, I believe it will. I really, truly believe that all the stars will align and things will work out perfectly. Call it hopeful, call it irresponsible, but whatever it is, it rarely works out in anyone’s favor. Least of all mine.

Perhaps the differing mental habits of the individual are a key factor. If your friend(s) happens to be a multitasker, it may be more difficult for them to have awareness of exactly what tasks they have to perform. This is often referred to as a lack of metacognition (the understanding of one’s own thinking or learning process). 

But there’s a chance that it all boils down to the basic personality differences between Type A and Type B. Those who fall under Type A possess a foundational sense of urgency, and those under Type B specifically lack this urgency. So, we have to communicate. Luckily, Type B is known to adjust to change easily. If they genuinely understand that this is a difference that needs to be made, this very well could be the answer you’re looking for.

You can do all the research you want on what your friends’ motives for tardiness may be, but nothing is certain until you talk about it. Depending on your comfort level with your friends, you could go one of two ways. The first is a bit more forgiving. You could give your pals an earlier time than what the actual meeting time is, hoping that acts as a margin of error and they end up arriving closer to on time. 

The second option takes a blunt, more straightforward approach. It’s a respect issue, so treat it as such. Express your frustration, listen with an open mind and without assumptions, and adjust the conditions of your friendship accordingly. That can look like anything from lowering your expectations to setting strict boundaries of how much you can really withstand before the friendship is at stake.

Or, try your best to be as tolerant as possible and not take this one flaw of your otherwise wonderful friends personally. 

No matter which angle you take, remember you are coming from a place of love, and both your tone and your words should reflect that – the same goes for your friends. Follow the same template as any confrontation: ‘It hurts me when you do this, but I care about you and I want to work it out,’, ‘Here’s what I propose,’, ‘How do you feel?’ 

Remember you should never have to argue for why something upsets you, those feelings are inherently valid. If your friends don’t acknowledge the disrespect you feel, and apologize for the situations that caused it, that’s a much greater discussion than just lateness. 

It’s okay to be firm. I wouldn’t have changed if I didn’t begin to take the potential consequences of my lateness seriously, and neither will your friends until this is candidly communicated to them. It’s corny, but trust yourself. Stay honest, clear, and compassionate. Your friends care about you, and they should want to listen and compromise. It’s clear that you understand what you deserve, so go and get it. I have the utmost faith in you, and I wish you luck! <3

Love, Lucy

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