Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to questions about your life. Send submissions via email to nsfplovelucy@gmail.com or through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form.

“I keep thinking about ‘the one that got away.’ The vibes were totally there. Nothing ever happened though. He’s mentioned me to our mutual friends wondering if there was anything there as well. Should I leave the idea long gone since we’re not in contact anymore, or should I keep being a dreamer?” – J.M, longtime dreamer

Dear Reader,

I think probably everyone has a ‘one that got away.’ If you think about it, the possibility of liking someone and then losing them is inevitable. But in order to heal, you’ll first have to figure out if this person is actually ‘the one that got away’ – and not just someone who rejected you. 

I’ll be totally upfront about it: can anyone ever truly ‘get away’ if they weren’t there at all? I truly believe that what’s meant for you won’t pass you. While promising things are always worth seeing through, it’s important to pay attention to what’s really happening in your situation. 

There are four ways this could play out: right person wrong time, wrong person right time, wrong person wrong time, or right person right time. “The one that got away” is the fantasy of a hopeless romantic – one that’s easy  to lose yourself in. And that can damage your perspective of love and relationships simply because you’re fixated on something that isn’t reality, or romanticizing what is. 

In an article by Jamie Kravits, Dr. Gary Brown, a Los Angeles based relationship expert, defines the one that got away as  “someone who, in hindsight, we regret not being with because when we look [back] we feel that they may have truly been ‘the one’ for us” he says. But now the opportunity to pursue that relationship is long gone.

While the one that got away could be someone you knew well or someone you didn’t, it all has to do with timing, which we’ll never be able to control. Even if the circumstance didn’t pan out the way you thought it would, it isn’t your job to obsess over it, it’s your job to live in the present and let it go. My Grandmother used to always say, “Once you truly let something go, if it comes back to you, then that is when it’s meant for you. But first you need to let go in order to find out.”

The real question is: how do we know that this person is the person for us? Well, we don’t. We take chances and let life take its course and we sit in the passenger seat, and sometimes we even leave ourselves to get kicked to the curb. Subjecting ourselves to pain is innately human, but you should encourage your brain to reevaluate its masochist tendencies. 

I would hate to think there are times you stare at your phone waiting for them to call, but when they don’t you are disappointed. Next time this happens, try to replace it with learning a new hobby, or even meeting a friend for ice cream.  

However, if you want to take initiative and see if there is a real connection, then what is the harm in trying?

Ultimately, you have to make the decision for yourself. Either you let them go, or you fight for what it could be – and ready yourself for any outcome.

Sometimes our own thoughts take over and make things feel larger or more important than they really are. Have you created a persona of someone who does not exist? As easy as it can be, and as good as it might feel, you should never romanticize someone that hasn’t proven themselves to be present in your life. 

In an article by Jen Kim, Clinical psychotherapist Kevon Owen says we might romanticize our past relationships in an attempt to ‘right our wrongs’. He explains that, in a perfect world, we’d learn and grow to move past these perceived errors; however, “framing someone as the one that got away can lead to self-esteem issues, as well as sabotaging current and future relationships.” You could end up comparing new people to a romanticized version of this other person you’re holding in such high esteem.

Usually when something is right, it comes with clarity. If you are feeling confused about this, it likely means that it isn’t right for you – at least right now. 

If you don’t let go, you might just hurt yourself in the long run and miss out on someone else that could have been much better suited to you. It’s natural to hold onto a glimmer of hope that the person we want is also the person for us, but it might be beneficial to find out if there’s actually something between you before you make your decision. 

But, if you feel a powerfully strong gravitational pull to this person, then there might be a wick in need of lighting. Your gut usually knows. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself about going for it: Does this person make you the best version of yourself? Is this person honest about who they are? Do their good qualities balance out your bad ones? Do their good qualities outweigh their bad ones?

If you answered yes to these questions, then send that text or pick up your phone and make that call. What do you have to lose? But if you think it might be best to let go, then you need to let go wholeheartedly and not allow the ‘what could have been’ to hold you back. 

You’ve probably already driven yourself crazy playing out every possible scenario in your head, but if someone’s good qualities balance out your bad ones, then that right there is a keeper. Plain and simple.

Like always, it’s situational. Be honest with yourself and think critically about your situation. But don’t sit and sulk like soggy cereal, it’s time to make some changes in your life that will ultimately help you – even if they feel like ass in the moment. Wishing you luck!

Love, Lucy

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