Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

I’m finally in classes with my friends, but it turns out they’re the kind of people not to do the homework. They think it’s a waste of time. I don’t want to pass judgment, but it’s hard. Don’t they care about doing well? If they can’t even do small assignments, I wonder what that says about what they won’t be willing to do to maintain our friendship. Do I address this with them or let it be?

From, 

Deadline Diplomat 

Dear Deadline Diplomat,

From my personal experience, having friends in class with you is both fun and exhausting. It’s always great to see a familiar face and dish about the class, but sometimes friends can turn out to be major distractions. 

In a Sage Journals article about how college friendships affect student success, professors Ryan Bronkema and Nicholas Bowman say that, “College is inherently a social experience. Researchers agree that peer relationships (including friendships) are crucial to students’ development in college.” But as they add in their article, “the exact conditions in which this occurs are unclear.” 

For the most part, friends never mean to get on your nerves or in the way of your academic success, so you should address your concerns with them. Tell them how you feel, and remind them how important assignments are to your collective grades. Although homework in college may feel unnecessary, the pros of putting in the work tend to outweigh the cons.

Joseph Lathan, who has a PhD in education, discusses the pros and cons of homework in a piece from the University of San Diego. “Regular homework has a hand in improving student performance and connecting students to their learning,” he writes.

Despite the importance of homework, students have reasons as to why they don’t always complete assignments. It’s no secret that college is stressful. 

In a study conducted by the U.S. Department of Education, “students were less likely to complete homework when they felt overwhelmed by time demands, when assignments were perceived as too complex, or they thought the assignments would take too long to complete.” College homework is all of these things: time-consuming, challenging, and sometimes overwhelming. Writing a ten-page essay can be seriously hard, especially on a tight deadline and amid other responsibilities. 

Although it may seem like your friends don’t care about assignments or engaging with the class culture the way you might, it’s always best to refrain from assuming how they feel. Your friends could be struggling academically or could have a lot on their plate. Your friends’ lack of concern with the class doesn’t mean a lack of concern for your friendship. Try asking them about the class and bring up your exact concerns. Of course, even our closest friends can lie or pretend to care about something they’re not actually invested in, but true friends are honest regardless of whether it upsets you. 

I’m sure your friends have no reason to lie to you, Deadline Diplomat. 

If you find that they’re stressed about the class or college life in general, think about how you can use that as a bonding opportunity. Perhaps you can create a study group where you and your friends complete the classwork together.

If you find that they really just couldn’t care less about the class, then perhaps remind them that homework equals success — for the most part. Or, on the other hand, try dropping it and keeping your classwork and friendships separate. After all, it isn’t your responsibility to ensure they pass the class, even if it means their behavior would be more attentive and less disruptive. 

Even then, the jury seems to still be out on whether or not completing homework has a direct link to better grades. Despite the fact that more research still needs to be done, the U.S. Department of Education affirms that “the academic end result remains that homework completion and exam performance are positively linked.”

It’s understandable that you might still be worried about the future of your friendships. Too often, I fear my friends are unwilling to maintain our connection, so I try to remind myself that my presence is valuable and someone will see it that way — even if it doesn’t end up being this particular pal. But this can be difficult, regardless of how successful or disastrous your past friendships were. For me, it helps to know how I think about and deal with relationships. 

Everybody knows that friendships require a ton of work, perhaps even more work than those ten-page essays, so don’t get discouraged by conflict itself. Confronting anyone — especially friends — is hard, but necessary for maintaining close bonds. So, kudos to you for your bravery, Deadline Diplomat! May you be successful in this and all the rest of your friendship endeavors. 

Love,

Lucy