Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy, 

How do I stop flirting with my roster because I only want one girl but I don’t want to leave the others behind?

From, 

Fickle 

Dear Fickle,

Dating, seeing, hanging out, hooking up — however you choose to define your relationship with an individual — it’s complicated. Social media, dating apps, and constant online communication only entangle the matter further. While technology has made contact easier and allowed for more diversity in the world of love, it has also transformed relationships into something terribly hard to navigate.

While I don’t assume long-term commitment is a priority for everyone, your question suggests that it might be something you desire with the girl mentioned. Although most people don’t label their dating habits as “serial dating,” our current era fosters an environment where commitment and longevity can seem impractical. Your question seems to be underlined with a reluctance to fully focus on one girl, and the contrasting parts hint at a journey of self-understanding.

You must first ask yourself why to understand your dilemma. Why do you feel reluctant to leave others behind if you have the urge to commit to one person? This inconsistency can result from many things: our experiences make us who we are, you know? Give yourself patience in situations where it may be overwhelming to recognize how past incidents connect to your current ones. 

Taking a big, deep look in the mirror is a scary endeavor. It does not come without avoidance or pain, so personal grace is key at this time. With that in mind, clarity in life comes from recognizing our strengths, but it especially comes when we acknowledge our “weaknesses.” There is nothing weak about hardship, FYI; it also provides us with incredible qualities. 

Your use of the term “roster” to describe other people you are interested in is quite demeaning and lacks maturity. People are not meant to be numbers on a roster; this depiction portrays them as lesser than you. So, here’s some more food for thought: why do you feel comfortable ranking people in this way? The answer may hold some depth when you examine the “why” and understand the connections it holds within you.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable and reflect on previous life experiences in romantic, platonic, and even parental situations. These encounters have a lasting impact on how we communicate, see ourselves, and form our overall identity. Becoming aware of these connections is a beautiful way to deepen your understanding of yourself and the problems you may encounter as a result. 

Does it stem from a fear of hurting others, which may create the feeling of “leaving others behind?” Or could it be the need for self-validation that flirting provides, creating a habit of craving it? Whatever it may be, there should never be judgment connected to any of the issues people carry with them.

I would start by examining what you bring to the table in relationships and the energy that it attracts. Reading content that connects with your issues or actions is helpful. BetterHelp is a great resource to use. They provide online therapy and advice articles that cater to a plethora of mental health concerns. 

The article “Understanding The Psychology of Love in Modern Dating” from BetterHelp gives insight into the complexity of modern relationships. Sometimes we need others to explain what we may not be aware of within ourselves. Understanding the root of others’ emotions is a powerful tool to have in all kinds of relationships, but don’t forget, it is even more powerful when you extend the same courtesy to yourself.

Before fully deciding to commit to a relationship, I highly recommend being sure you can handle others’ emotions. People’s feelings are real and should be valued as best as they can be. Depending on how you have mutually chosen to define a partnership, at least one other person is involved, and I assume you care for them. So, you are now not only tending to your own emotional needs but theirs too. This is a huge responsibility, and sometimes as a young adult, we simply cannot handle that added factor, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What isn’t okay is going into a partnership knowing you cannot provide emotional support. Be respectful of others’ emotions as you hope someone may be with yours.

I hope you can see yourself with accepting eyes while you understand the influence your past may have on you. Be delicate with yourself; the people in your life may be more forgiving than you realize. However, it’s important to exercise caution: the emotions of others — especially the girl you are seeing — are not here for amusement. We must take personal responsibility for our actions and their effects. 

Love, 

Lucy