Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.
Dear Lucy,
I stay out of the house as long as possible to avoid my roommate. She is lowkey toxic af, but I miss my home, how do I resolve this?
From,
Avoidant Apartment-Goer
Dear Avoidant Apartment-Goer,
There comes a time in a college student’s life when they are faced with a horrible roommate situation. Half of college students across American universities reported having “‘frequent’ or ‘occasional’ conflict with their roommates or housemates,” according to a study in the Journal of Public Health. Either they don’t wash their dishes, leave rotting food out, have loud sex every night, steal your clothes, are late on rent, or just straight up don’t know boundaries — regardless, it makes your home life completely unbearable.
Unfortunately, I have dealt with inconsiderate roommates more than once, and I promise there are ways to manage the situation.
I would list out all of the issues you have with your roommate first. What exactly do they do that bothers you so much? Most of them could be completely reasonable and valid, but some might just be simple communication issues. Maybe you’re mad they didn’t take out the trash before they left, but what you didn’t know is that they were already late for class and had to catch the next train.
Basic roommate issues can usually be resolved through effective communication. I understand talking through problems can be intimidating, especially when you aren’t a confrontational person. But confrontation is necessary when it comes to being comfortable in your own home. Your roommate shouldn’t (and most likely won’t) judge you for expressing your needs or concerns and will appreciate you being honest with them, rather than allowing resentment to build.
When thinking about how to approach your roommate, do it in private. Don’t call them out in front of all your friends; wait until you both are home and comfortable. Then, ask if you guys can talk about some things. Before this, take the time to consider how you are going to word your grievances.
Instead of saying, “You’re disgusting, how can you let your food rot in the sink for so long,” you can say, “Do you mind throwing your food out and washing your dishes more often after you’re done with them? I just want to minimize the risk of having possible bug issues, and that would suck for us to deal with.”
Tone is everything when it comes to conflict. It can change the whole course of the conversation. Emphasizing the issue could or is impacting you both, makes it easier to come up with a joint solution. Enter these conversations with an open mind and be ready to compromise. Remember, your apartment is a shared space.
If the issue is specific to their behavior, emphasize how their specific actions make you feel. Being specific will help you avoid miscommunication and resolve the situation quickly. For example, I am a chronic hair shedder and so is the rest of my family, so I never really noticed hair buildup in the drain. My past roommates had asked me to clean out my hair from the bathroom. However, I thought they were talking about outside of the shower.
Due to the lack of specificity, I would vacuum hair from the bathroom floor and didn’t consider the actual shower itself. It wasn’t until weeks of multiple passive-aggressive comments and confusion about what I was doing wrong, that I realized they were talking about the drain itself, not the bathroom floor. If they were specific to begin with the problem would’ve been solved faster and with less mental anguish.
If you have already taken these steps and attempted to reason with your roommate but they are not trying to fix the issues, then what’s next?
If your roommate fails to communicate or correct issues, then unfortunately that’s on them. You have taken the right steps to move forward and you can’t make anyone change. Just know you did the best you could do and your feelings are valid. But there are still ways to reclaim your home and seek comfort, even without their cooperation.
Lean on your friends. Invite them over to your place to create a buffer. Try to figure out when your roommate won’t be home and take advantage of that alone time. Create boundaries to make yourself as comfortable as possible. If you have a partner, plan fun date nights with them or fun daytime dates with your friends. Explore the city on your own to destress, and enjoy your own company as well.
But just remember, leases always have an end! You won’t have to live with this person forever. Make new roommate plans for next year to give you something to look forward to, and look towards a better future. Bad roommates, unfortunately, are a part of life but are never forever. This will be a funny rant to tell in the future, and you hopefully will never have to deal with them again. Hang in there, Avoidant Apartment-Goer.
Love,
Lucy
If safety is a major concern, you are allowed to sublet your apartment with your landlord’s permission according to your New York City Renters Rights. If your roommate is threatening your safety and you do not feel comfortable calling the police, you can contact Safe Horizon, a nonprofit organization that is designed to help victims in a moment of crisis. You can explain your situation to them, and they will help provide options on how to move forward.