Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy, 

I’m always kind of on guard or uncomfortable in public, and I think it also makes me look unapproachable. How can I be more relaxed, approachable, and friendly?

From, 

Misunderstood 

Dear Misunderstood, 

I completely understand how you feel. I went through a long period of time where I felt so conscious of this that I wasn’t able to really spend time with loved ones, much less make new connections at school, work, or around the city.

There’s a variety of reasons you might be feeling this way: some form of social anxiety, shyness, or insecurity. Or perhaps a deep-rooted fear of new situations. Maybe this discomfort is only true for you some of the time. Regardless, it’s a stressful experience, but it’s not all hopeless! 

Before we talk about ways of relieving this potential stress, I want to assure you that you are not alone in these feelings of discomfort. I don’t think I would be incorrect in saying that everyone has moments of it: being out in public with some opportunity to talk to someone new and you freeze up. Maybe you start sweating profusely, maybe you shut down and end up in a dark corner. Maybe, if you’re like me, you start pretending to look for someone you know in the distance, then leave, still searching. 

Regardless of how you express your discomfort in social situations or why you experience these anxieties in the first place, my advice is all the same — fake it till you make it (bear with me, I know you’ve heard that before), and do it everyday. I think it’s natural to feel awkward or even scared around people you don’t know or don’t know very well. Unfortunately, the only way to get over that is to practice until it feels more natural.

Now that I’ve given my spiel, we can get into the meat of your question, dearest Misunderstood. What is it that you need to do, to practice, to become or at least appear friendlier? And yes, this is about to get a little “American Psycho.” 

We can start with body language. Picture someone walking into the room, they look around, and their eyes land on you. What do they see first? While it may feel silly, smiling at people is one of the best proven ways to project a sense of approachability and friendliness, at least in Western culture. And this should be what this “someone” sees if you’d like to project likability. 

Studies from 1999 and 2016 list other physical ways to appear more approachable when you begin interacting with someone such as lifting your chin, opening your chest/shoulders, keeping your arms uncrossed, being physically affirmative when being spoken to (a thumbs up or a head nod), mirroring the person you are speaking to, and making eye contact with people who look in your direction. All of this will make the person you are interacting with feel more comfortable with you.

Now let’s talk conversation. This someone approaches you, if it’s someone you already know, then you want to be sure to know their name. Learning people’s names and using them can display a sense of general care for others and increase your approachability, according to a study from 2019. 

Another study from 1999 on “trait transference” shows that complimenting people often and genuinely will not only make those around you feel good, but can also make their perception of you better. The study claims that complimenting others causes them to associate you with whatever compliment you’ve given! 

If you find yourself talking to someone fairly often, increasing your vulnerability in conversation can also help you seem more approachable. Going deep makes you seem more trustworthy and friendly. If you happen to enjoy spending time with this person (yay!), you should make that clear to them! It’ll help them feel more stable in their relationship with you and can even influence them into liking you more through what’s called reciprocal liking. 

Your listening skills are also important to develop. Make sure you at least seem engaged when talking to others, and try not to focus on solutions or correctly responding. You want people to feel as if you are speaking with them because you are genuinely interested in what they feel or have to say, not just because you want to impress them with an amazing snippet of advice. And make sure to ask follow-up questions! 

Hopefully all this hasn’t thrown you headfirst into a state of anxiety. It can be really scary to face the world and people for a variety of reasons. I encourage you to try and find some support if this is overwhelming: people who can accompany you on these outings, who can be available to talk if a social situation goes wrong (because sometimes they do and that’s ok too), and, if needed, someone who can professionally help you overcome whatever might be preventing you from having positive social interactions. 

Dearest Misunderstood, you can’t control the way each and every person perceives you; it just isn’t possible! But you do have control over the way you present yourself, at least to some degree, and the way you interact with the world. Try to relax and remind yourself that no one is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself. Flash them a smile, and you’ll knock them dead! 

Love, 

Lucy