Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

There’s this guy on my dorm floor, and he’s so fine and intellectual (we’re in a class together too), and I don’t know how to shoot my shot. Can you help me?

From,

Ho(o)ping for Cupid 

Dear Ho(o)ping for Cupid,

While I wish I were Cupid, so I could simply put my amorous archery skills to good use, it’s unfortunately not my sport. However, I will at least aim to provide you with the fundamentals for shooting your shot. And no, not the kind you’d make on the court. 

Approaching someone you find attractive can be daunting, but it’s certainly not impossible. And while we tend to focus on thoughts and feelings (or delulu) when it comes to someone we’re attracted to, there’s actually a science behind it.

But before we dive into that, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone in your uncertainty toward approaching this guy. And the fact that you share a class with him may even be one of the reasons why you feel something for him in the first place.  

A series of studies conducted by Charles Chu, an assistant professor at Questrom School of Business, found that “when someone believes an essence drives their interests, likes, and dislikes, they assume it’s the same for others too; if they find someone with one matching interest, they reason that person will share their broader worldview.” 

So, these similarities can actually aid you in your approach. Try to sit near him in class if you don’t have assigned seating. Perhaps strike up a conversation with him about the class. If you’re feeling brave, you could tell him you “might have” seen him on your dorm floor. That last one might be a little cheeky, but hey, you do live in the same building.

All of this is to remind you to take my advice with a grain of salt. Trust your instincts, do some self-reflection, and take what you need from this list of tips while leaving what you don’t behind. 

Initiating the conversation

Before talking to anyone, it’s important to focus on body language. You can tell someone’s not open to conversation when they appear closed off. Crossing arms, turning away from you, replying with one-word responses, etc. 

A possible conversation starter for you two is the class you have together. If you don’t have assigned seating, try to sit next to him or at least nearby. That way, it’s easier to initiate a side conversation. 

You could bring up something related to what the professor’s saying, talk about an assignment, or ask him something you’re genuinely confused about in class. The possibilities are endless! Just try to let the conversation take its course and go from there. 

As you’re talking, there’s a fine line between shyness and disinterest to take note of, too, in case you do pick up on it. For example, someone who is shy may look away if you make eye contact, while someone disinterested will avoid looking at you completely. 

On the other hand, if you notice they’re fully turned toward you, starting to mirror your body language or reciprocating your smile, then you’re off to a good start. Just pay close attention to how he reacts to you engaging him in conversation.  

Change your mindset

When we get nervous about something, it’s typically because we have high expectations for the outcome. Life coach and matchmaker Emyli Lovz recommended via Business Insider to “go in with the mentality of having a platonic conversation with zero expectations … Then you can consider it a success even just by opening your mouth and saying something.”

I know I supplied you with some conversation starters, but that’s just it. They’re starting points. Simply going with the flow and allowing it to be more natural makes for a more candid and honest discussion. It also rids you of the stress that comes with rehearsing a conversation in your head and discerning how you think it should go. 

Lowering the stakes doesn’t mean the same thing as adopting a negative mindset toward the conversation. It’s simply a means of alleviating unnecessary stress. 

Fake it till you make it 

Once you’ve nailed down your approach, it’s important to focus on yourself. Be confident! Remember that you’re approaching him because you want to, so if anything, adopt the mindset that he should be grateful you’re talking to him. Your mind will believe anything you tell it, hence the age-old saying, “Fake it till you make it.”

Smaller gestures like nodding, eye contact, and leaning forward are beneficial during a good conversation. That goes for anyone, friendships and romantic relationships. Open body language is a sign of confidence, and that’s precisely what you want to emulate, even if you’re feeling a little nervous. 

I applaud you for wanting to shoot your shot, Ho(o)ping for Cupid. Trust your instincts, stay adaptable, and remember this is an opportunity to learn and grow. And you never know, in the game of love, a well-aimed shot might just hit the mark.

Love, 

Lucy