Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.
Dear Lucy,
I think I’m in love with a guy that already has a girlfriend. We have history and even before I realized I had these feelings, I got the sense that he feels the same way too. I feel awful for having these emotions because at the end of the day, his girlfriend doesn’t deserve any of this and I have no desire to ever hurt anyone’s relationship. What do I do?
From,
Second Place in Love
Dear Second Place in Love,
Let us start with this: there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I get it, you guys have history, a history you think you could further build upon, but let’s stop and ask ourselves a simple question. Why now?
I get it. Emotions, passion, romance: they sometimes get the best of us. It’s easy to convince yourself that this could be something. But if this guy wanted to be with you, I don’t think he would be dating someone else. I also don’t think you realistically want to be with him, because if you did, you probably would’ve been. I fear you might have a case of “you want something that you can’t have” syndrome.
Now, let’s repeat this together, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, especially the sea of New York City. Fish who don’t have partners. And honestly, you will get nothing from pining over a guy who’s already taken.
You may need to take some time away from your guy friend, figure out your emotions, and see if they’re genuine. If they are, and you truly don’t want to hurt anyone, keep your distance. Don’t stalk the man on social media or slide up on their partner’s Instagram stories saying how cute you think they are together when you don’t mean it. “Out of sight, out of mind” should become your new motto.
If the feelings simply stem from a place of loneliness, distract yourself. Appreciate the people that you already have around you. I am a firm believer in the notion that meaningful relationships are not just reserved for a significant other. Go on friend dates, and think about how they fulfill your life. That way, when that special someone comes along, they feel like a happy addition rather than just someone filling a hole.
There are also plenty of singles events to choose from in NYC; try speed dating, get a RAYA access code, or simply go out with your single friends. Nearly everyone in NYC is struggling with the single life, so I promise you are not alone in the slightest.
But also remember, patience and time will heal all. Take your time getting over this crush. Maybe this person made you get your hopes up, and you thought you could turn this “maybe” into a “yes.” But then he got into a relationship. Feelings of rejection will always take time to work through. Don’t get mad at yourself for not moving on immediately. Giving yourself time allows you to accept your feelings for what they are and the situation. According to WebMD, (yes, I am serious), crushes can either fade within a few weeks or up to two years. So don’t beat yourself up over not getting over this ASAP. Talk to your friends, your therapist, or your mom, and allow yourself to feel all the emotions.
If the idea of getting this man is still in the back of your head, I will say, according to a study done by the University of Colorado at Boulder, 51% of men who have cheated have done it with someone they already knew.
I have been that girlfriend before. Yes, the girlfriend with the boyfriend who has that one “girl best friend” whom he did not-so-friendly things with in the past. The girlfriend who is constantly worried about what lengths this girl could go to ruin my relationship, or if my boyfriend would betray me. It’s not a great feeling, and I hope to God that you haven’t made this obvious to this guy’s girlfriend. If you have, then you are already hurting her.
So maybe there’s a chance, according to these stats, but you seem to already know that this is wrong. And I know for a fact that 100% of people who get cheated on feel hurt.
I will end with this: what will be, will be. If it doesn’t work out with his new partner, you may get your chance. But try not to dwell on this possibility. According to another handy study by Match.com, most women find their lifelong partner at 25, while men find theirs at 28. So, you may still have some time to find the one, assuming you’re still under these ages…hopefully.
If not, that means your time is near! But for now, try to focus on what you can do to feel fulfilled on your own. I promise you, Second Place in Love, possibly blowing up your friend’s relationship is not one of them.
Love,
Lucy