Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

I have friends but none of them are ride or die, where they’ll  go on impromptu hangouts to get coffee and chat. Feeling lonely in the city.

From,

Failure in Friendships

Dear Failure in Friendships,

“Friend, homie, twin,” there are infinite ways to express enjoyment or closeness of a platonic relationship between two or more people. But what happens when the weight of those words don’t feel real? What can you do when the 4lifers feel like fakers?

Well, maybe movies can help us to figure that out.

For me personally, when I was first exposed to the idea of friend groups or cliques, it was primarily through television. I envisioned being Cher or Dionne from Clueless — mostly for their style choices and expensive lifestyles, but also because it was such a timely piece of cinema that explored friendship and relationship dynamics in a fun way.

Clueless was solely for entertainment purposes, and I found it rather enjoyable — even if it involved a few catfights, ex-step brother hookups, and characters nearly getting hit by a truck. 

But obviously, those tropes were based on fictional circumstances. Nobody wants to experience that in real life (unless that’s your thing). But how can we look at missteps in television as a way to help us find genuine and authentic friendships? Well, let’s look at some iconic films and do a deep dive to help us figure it out, shall we?

1. Mean Girls: Don’t befriend people just because you’re scared of being alone.

The 2004, iconic cult classic is a prime example of exploring power dynamics, specifically in school. For those that aren’t familiar with the plot of Mean Girls (or need a quick refresher), the film is centered around a new student named Cady Heron who’s been homeschooled her whole life, and enters the world of public high school. She eventually meets “the plastics,” a group of girls that run the entire school, led by Regina George. 

In order to make sure she wasn’t bullied or ridiculed like the majority of the other students, Cady decides to join “the plastics.”  But in the end, she realizes that those characteristics weren’t really her; they were just coping mechanisms to avoid being by herself.

Cady’s circumstances teach us a lesson that you are what you attract, and the only way you can find genuine friendships is if you show up as your genuine self. Cady dealt with fake friends because she presented a version of herself that wasn’t authentic to who she was. She tried to erase her entire identity that made her, well, her — it was better than unveiling her true self and possibly ending up alone. 

Having phases of solitude can be challenging, especially if you’re in a city that feels as big as the solar system. But the only way you can find a true ride-or-die in a world of fakes is if you are a ride-or-die for yourself. Embrace the things that make you different and own it. Stand on it. Accept it. Once you accept it, the right people will accept you!

2. The Breakfast Club: It’s okay to have a dance scene in the middle of a classroom.

The Breakfast Club is considered another iconic film and one of the greatest movies ever made. Although the film was released almost three decades ago, people consider it to be a relevant and timely cinematic piece to this day. 

For those of you who aren’t familiar with The Breakfast Club, the film revolves around a group of teenagers from different social groups experiencing Saturday detention together. On the surface, everyone has their own assumptions about each other — the jock, the nerd, the popular girl. But over time, those labels begin to disintegrate and the students start to see each other in a new light.

A turning point in the film happens when one of the students sneaks weed into the library where they are in detention. All of them decide to get high and have a dance party, throwing books around and twirling on the tables. It’s awesome. 

Now, I’m not encouraging you to smoke weed to make friends (unless that’s your thing, then by all means, puff away). But if there’s anything this movie teaches us about finding a ride-or-die, it’s to take risks. Playing it safe doesn’t give you fun and authentic experiences. Of course, there are things you should do in moderation, but ultimately, you have to put yourself out there. And the risk doesn’t have to be jumping off a cliff or going zip lining in Turks and Caicos. It could simply be trying a new cafe, studying in a different part of the campus, or joining a new club. Never be afraid to take a leap of faith.

3. Juice: If your friend is a psychopath, let them know. Or just run.

Now, this movie is near and dear to my heart. Juice is possibly my absolute favorite movie of all time.

Aside from the film being such a staple in my life, it’s also a really great story that touches on friendships, power dynamics, and betrayal. The movie revolves around a friend group of four guys who grow up in a violent and crime-rampant community. In order to earn the respect of their bullies, they decide to rob a corner store. One friend in the group, Q, is determined to follow his dreams of being a DJ. While another character, Bishop, has plans of gaining power in their neighborhood, even if that means taking the lives of the people he cares most about. This conflict between both characters comes to a head throughout the entire film.

Q and Bishop’s friendship dynamic is hyper-focused throughout the movie because of their conflicting perspectives on the idea of respect. Bishop believes in the saying, “by any means necessary”: he views that phrase as crucial knowledge for surviving the world. But Q thinks staying focused on your goals without compromising your values is the way to go. Bishop and Q get into an argument about this when one of their childhood friends gets into a fight and dies at the hands of the police. Q and Bishop go back and forth on this, causing them to get physical around their friends, leading to Q punching Bishop after he says something inappropriate. 

This becomes a turning point for Bishop’s character before he goes off the rails and starts inflicting violence.

Although this movie explores many topics surrounding race and class, it’s also an ode to the true meaning of friendships and setting boundaries, a rule we should all abide by if we want to build true and lasting friendships.

Whether you wear pink on Wednesdays, go to detention on Saturdays, or aspire to be the next Kaytranada, movies like these teach us to always trust and believe that who we are is enough. You should never compromise yourself or feel the need to let go of what makes you special. Finding a ride-or-die can be hard, but allowing yourself to steer the wheel on your own terms can lead you to a new destination. A beautiful one.

Love, 

Lucy