Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

I have a really serious boyfriend. But I also think I have a crush on someone else. I think it’s harmless, you know, just a crush? How do I know for sure?

From,

Catching Feels

Dear Catching Feels,

If you have to ask, you already know the answer. It’s what you do with that information that truly matters. You’re not alone in catching feelings for someone who isn’t your partner. It’s quite common. According to a study by the Psychology department at the University of New Brunswick, 542 individuals who had been in a serious, exclusive relationship for at least three months had a crush on somebody else.

That same study showed that “The attraction to the crush was driven by the expected quality of the alternative relationship, but also by low satisfaction and investment in the main relationship,” Professor Sebastian Ocklenburg points out in Psychology Today. So, before deciding what to do with these feelings, consider why you might be crushing on somebody else. What is it about this person that you like? 

Some might say comparing and contrasting people is bad, but in your situation, a pro-con list might be helpful (just make sure your boyfriend doesn’t see it). Consider the question above in your list and ask yourself what this other person might give you that your boyfriend doesn’t — if anything. This list is also a great way to remind yourself why you’re in a relationship with your boyfriend in the first place.

From there, ask yourself: Do you want to act on this crush? Then, refer to the advice below based on your answer.

What to do if you want to act on this crush:

Based on your worried tone, Catching Feels, I doubt you picked this option, but I won’t judge you if you did. Your boyfriend might, though. As I mentioned before, the quality of your relationship depends on your answer. So, if you choose this option, your relationship is probably in murky waters anyway.

But, before you end things with your boyfriend, Psychologist Mark Travers suggests considering what exclusivity you and your partner agreed upon. In other words, is your relationship purely exclusive or open? I’m sure you and your boyfriend have discussed what you both deem as cheating, and if not, you definitely should. “It’s essential to communicate openly about these feelings and set clear boundaries to ensure fidelity and respect in a relationship,” Travers said in an article from Psychology Today. He continued, “open communication about such feelings can build trust, reduce a sense of threat, and strengthen relationships.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Talk with your boyfriend before ending things, and see whether this “crush” will make or break your relationship. But as I mentioned before, if you truly want out of your current relationship and decide to act on this crush, maybe your relationship wasn’t what you wanted to begin with.

What to do if you don’t want to act on this crush:

Good choice, Catching Feels. I figured you’d pick this one, and I have science to back me up. Remember that study Professor Ocklenburg and I mentioned? Well, “only 3 percent of participants engaged in infidelity … Most people stay faithful to their partner, even if they have a crush.” Hopefully, that statistic eases your worries, Catching Feels.

Now, the same advice as before applies here as well. You could keep this “crush” a secret from your partner, but I do not advise that. Talk to them about your feelings and assure them it’s just a crush stemming from what your current relationship may lack. Who knows, your partner might even have one, too, likely for similar reasons — yet another reason why I strongly recommend talking to your partner.

This conversation is also a great opportunity to revisit the notion of exclusivity and how it applies to your relationship. Do you or your partner think it’s okay to explore other options or see other people? Or do either of you think it’s not okay to even look at someone else? From there, come up with a solution together. 

Personally, I think cutting off and ignoring this “crush” completely would be unrealistic and overdramatic, but it is an option. However, a more realistic approach would be to adjust your relationship accordingly. This means figuring out a way to bring whatever this other person may provide into your relationship, whether that is attention, quality time, honesty, etc. If you improve the quality of your relationship, you might be able to kill this crush. As Ocklenburg writes, “people who were happy and satisfied with their main relationship had a lower attraction to their crush.”

Perhaps this “crush” will improve your relationship with your boyfriend, but you’ll never know if you continue to deny your feelings or keep them a secret. So, best of luck to you and your boyfriend, Catching Feels.

Love,

Lucy