Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy, 

My boyfriend and I don’t have the same stance on smoking. He thinks it’s okay (and he does it) and I don’t. Is this something to end a relationship over?

From, 

In A Fog

Dear In A Fog,

What to do when someone you love won’t stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable? Even if you feel it’s posing a risk to their health? 

WelI dearest reader, I have unfortunately been on both ends of this equation. Drug use is incredibly normalized in our society and many people find themselves lured by and entrapped in its sticky hands. According to the National Center for Drug Abuse, 50% of people 12 and older have used illicit drugs at least once. 16.7% of Americans aged 12 and older battled a substance use disorder in the past year. This does not include nicotine. I have been the person begging someone not to do more drugs, and I have also been the person pretending not to be high as someone is actively begging me to stop. So, let’s just say I’m all too familiar with these types of situations. 

I assume you’ve had a conversation with him about his smoking, but if you haven’t, that is absolutely the place to start. 

Now, I don’t know how heavy of a smoker your boyfriend is, so the advice I’m providing tries to consider the nuances of how your relationship might be affected by the differing severity of the use and the drug being smoked. If he is an occasional smoker, then he might be more willing to stop if you clearly articulate the reason it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he is turning into a frequent smoker, then a conversation about your concerns is entirely reasonable. It’s possible he isn’t super aware that his use is increasing to a worrying level. However, if he’s a heavy smoker, there may be very little that is going to change this, and if your staying together is contingent on his smoking (or not smoking), then it’s definitely time to say goodbye. Your discomfort around smoking is valid and you will find someone who you can connect with on that level. 

Your boundaries are important and you should come into this conversation understanding what it is about his smoking that you don’t like. Does your boyfriend always reek of smoke? Are you worried about his health? Does his usage change the way you spend your time together? Has it changed how he operates in a way that affects your relationship? Are anti-drug campaigns getting to your head?

Once you’ve figured out why you are uncomfortable, having an open and constructive conversation should be easier. Things like smell, changes in his attitude or your relationship dynamic changing due to smoking are all things that could potentially be resolved through conversation. If smell is an issue, you can express that you’d prefer he doesn’t smoke around you, or right before seeing you, so that you don’t have to deal with the smell. If the substance he’s smoking alters his state of mind and changes your time spent together as a result, you can ask that he doesn’t use it during your time together making it clear that you feel like it’s altered your relationship. 

I will never encourage setting ultimatums like, “If you don’t stop smoking, I will break up with you.” According to a resource site written by Diamond House Detox, ultimatums famously do not work with drug users and they are generally pretty unfair. People have autonomy; if they want to use, that is their choice. You, however, have autonomy too. If drug use makes you uncomfortable or alters your relationship in a way that doesn’t feel good to you, then it is your prerogative to break up with the guy! 

Concern for your boyfriend’s health being the arbiter of your discomfort adds a new layer. If your boyfriend does not already care about his health enough to quit smoking, then no amount of convincing will change his mind. This, unfortunately, comes down to a difference of values and perspective, and may be cause for breakup unless you feel capable of accepting your differing opinions. 

I also want to clarify that staying with him doesn’t mean enabling what you consider “bad” behavior. People need support to overcome addiction and you might be someone who is opportune to help your boyfriend. You are not a drug abuse specialist though, and if your boyfriend is dealing with serious drug addiction, then you are likely not equipped to help him alone. You can, however, aid him in finding recovery resources like support groups, drug abuse mental health specialists, and online drug recovery guides. 

To be clear, he must also be capable of accepting that you do not want to smoke or be surrounded by it. If he is pressuring you into it at any point or is crossing boundaries you’ve set, he has not accepted this. At that point, you should seriously consider where you see your relationship with this person going and whether or not he really respects you enough to be worth the effort. 

Ultimately, breaking up is completely your decision to make. If your boyfriend’s smoking is something that impacts your time spent together or is altering the way he is treating you or the relationship, then breaking up is a matter of lifestyle differences. I might even go so far as to say that because you’re considering ending the relationship in your message above, you’ve already told us everything we need to know about what needs to happen here. You have the option to break up with him if he isn’t able to show up in the ways you need him to. And if his smoking is getting in the way of him being there for you, then In A Fog, it’s time to hit the road. You’ve got clearer skies ahead. 

Love, 

Lucy