Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

Lucy, I’m feeling a bit isolated and have trouble making new friends at college. All of my old friends are starting to drift away from me. What’s the best way to connect with people and build meaningful friendships?

From,

Solo But Searching

Dear Solo But Searching,

The college journey can be one of the most transformative experiences in life, especially if it takes you far from home. Upon reading your submission, I thought back to my first year here at The New School and I can confirm that you’re not alone in well, feeling alone. 

As an introvert who moved across the country to attend school here in New York City, I had similar thoughts. I certainly didn’t know anyone in the city, let alone this side of the U.S. I also felt like I was growing out of some of the friendships I made when I was at home, so yes, it’s completely natural to feel this way. 

It may be easy to just go the “academic weapon” route and prioritize classes over social interaction, but we weren’t designed to be isolated all the time. According to an article that was published by the National Institutes of Health, “Humans are inherently social. We are not special in this way; it is hard to think of any animal for whom the regulation of social behaviour is not important.” Plus, human interaction is beneficial for physical, mental, and emotional support. If you’ve ever been on the phone with a family member or close friend for over an hour, doesn’t it make you feel good? That’s why socializing is so important. 

So don’t worry, Solo But Searching. I’m here to make sure your college experience isn’t just about surviving classes but also about building the connections that make these years enjoyable. Let’s talk about some ways to put yourself out there and narrow down your search for connections.

Learn how to love being independent

This might sound counterintuitive, but it’s important to learn how to be a good friend to yourself first. By learning the value of being your own best friend and having fun on your own, you’ll know how to build stronger friendships with others. 

Licensed clinical psychologist and life coach, Dr. Patricia S. Dixon shared in an interview with Bustle that “Solo activities are seen not as a sign of loneliness but as a testament to one’s self-esteem and confidence.” So no, treating yourself to dinner for one, solo tickets to an upcoming movie, or simply a cozy night on your own are not going to make people think you’re lonely. And even if they do, who cares what they think anyway? It’s your life, not theirs.

Connect with roommates + suitemates (if you have them)

If you’re a first-year, you’re more than likely living in the dorms. Your roommates are the perfect friend candidates and befriending them will make your dorm life all the more enjoyable. 

You could do this in a variety of ways, whether that’s striking up a conversation about classes, preparing a meal together if you enjoy cooking, or maybe investing in some games you can play together. I know Cards Against Humanity is an essential in my living space. The bond between roommates is strong if you guys get along, so I definitely recommend capitalizing on that.

Residential Advisors (RAs), also host a variety of events to build community within the dorms. So even if you don’t connect with your roommates quite yet, attending events that spark your interest will at least bring you to peers who share similar passions.

Join clubs or extracurriculars

If you take anything away from this article, I hope it’s this. The New School may not be revered for its extracurricular activities, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them entirely. 

Narwhal Nation has some good opportunities you can take advantage of, with clubs pertaining to various art mediums, design, social justice, and countless more. Or (shameless plug), you could join the New School Free Press if you’re interested in writing. Joining clubs is actually how I made the majority of my friends that I have now, so I can’t recommend this tip enough.

However, if you’re looking to broaden your horizon outside of campus, you could join a fitness group at a gym close to you, join an art class that doesn’t pertain to school, or you could look for opportunities within your work if you’re employed, which brings me to my next point.

Strike up a conversation with co-workers

According to Indeed, “Making friends with coworkers can help boost on-the-job morale, improve your productivity, contribute to a better overall work-life balance and make employees more comfortable asking for help without fear of being judged.” 

Other tips they share include working in common areas, making small talk, and planning activities outside of work. Another small thing that goes a long way is saying “hi” and “bye.” What starts as a simple greeting and farewell can easily turn into conversations as time goes on. Even if it’s just small talk, you’re making a big step towards a possible friendship. 

At the end of the day, finding the balance between being proactive about finding friendships and letting things happen naturally is key. Make conscious efforts, but don’t dwell too much if the friendship isn’t progressing as quickly as you’d like. Good luck, Solo But Searching. I hope you find what you’re looking for!

Love,

Lucy