Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

I found out my friend has feelings for my partner. What should I do?

From, 

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

Often, the most nerve-wracking part of being in a relationship is when you have to introduce your partner to your friends. Will they get along? Will your friends understand what you see in them? Will you get the stamp of approval from both sides?

But, as in your case, sometimes your friend approves a bit too much. You bring them together, they start talking, and you think that you can finally wipe the sweat from your brow. But then you notice the little smile on your friend’s face, the way they keep moving their hair, or their laugh that only comes out around “special” people — and you start to panic again.

Sure, you think your partner is attractive, funny, charming, or whatever else you like about them, but that doesn’t mean you want anyone else to see that. At the same time, though, you can’t blame your friend for feeling the way that they do. Friend code or not, emotions can’t be controlled. 

According to social psychologist Ryan Anderson, due to a phenomenon called “mate copying,” your friend might be attracted to your partner simply because they think highly of you. They admire who you are and value your opinion, so if you like your partner, that must mean your partner is valuable, too.

Luckily, mate copying doesn’t necessarily mean that “mate poaching,” or stealing, is on the horizon — Anderson writes that poaching requires action, not just admiration. In other words, just because your friend has feelings for your partner doesn’t mean they will act on those feelings. And only about 10 to 20% of relationships begin through successful mate poaching, according to psychological studies from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Basically, Caught in the Middle, the answer to your question of “what to do” might not be about managing your friend’s feelings so much as it is managing what your friend does with those feelings. So how do you navigate between a rock and a hard place while maintaining both your friendship and relationship? Do you separate the two forever — or at least until they find someone else? Do you sit in the discomfort and hope their feelings go away? It might be a bad time to quote the Cranberries, but, “Do you have to let it linger?”

How you should proceed depends on how you learned about your friend’s feelings. I’ll try to cover all the bases. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest.

You found out indirectly:

If your friend didn’t tell you about their emotions and you heard about them through the grapevine, there are a few things to assess before addressing the problem. 

First, make sure that the source is someone you trust and that what they’re telling you isn’t an exaggeration or misinterpretation of the truth. If you suspected your friend had feelings for your partner before being told, Britannica’s definition of confirmation bias might cause you to blindly follow whatever evidence you’re given. 

If you haven’t noticed any odd behavior before the gossip, you should observe your friend’s actions around your partner. Are they consistently showing signs of interest, whether that be through body language or verbal communication? One-off instances might not mean anything, but a pattern of flirtatious behavior could justify a confrontation. Either way, you want to be sure that you have as much evidence as possible before mentioning it to your friend.

If you decide that it’s worth bringing up, make sure you approach the situation with a level head. DoSomething.org, a nonprofit that promotes positive youth action, writes that talking to your friend while angry could unnecessarily escalate the situation. Maintain your boundaries and ensure your friend knows that flirting with your partner is unacceptable, but remember that feelings are natural. After all, just because your friend likes your partner doesn’t mean anything will happen. The most important part of confrontation is assessing what your friend plans to do to remedy the situation. Repeat after me: admiration does not equal action.

If you’re struggling with what to say, try: “I know this might be awkward, but I want to have an honest conversation with you. I heard you might have feelings for my partner, and I don’t want to assume anything. Do you?”

Hopefully, at this point, your friend has listened to your concerns. If they have expressed some sort of guilt or shame for how they feel, you can decide together on a plan that will benefit both of you. You don’t have to give up your friendship or your relationship, but maybe you both agree that they shouldn’t see each other for a while. Or you could try setting up your friend with someone you think they’d like. If they truly are mate copying, your stamp of approval could be enough to lead them to greener — and more available — pastures. 

If your friend doesn’t feel guilty or meets your concerns with aggression and defensiveness, it might be time to reassess your friendship. Your bond should be built on mutual trust and respect, and their dismissal of your feelings or unwillingness to back down might be a sign that they value their desires over your friendship. If that’s the case, you deserve to be around people who wish for your success and actively help you get there. Do you really want to put energy into a friendship with someone who would blindside you for their own benefit?

It’s hard, I know. But ultimately, you are the most important person in your life, and you have to protect your peace.

You found out directly:

If you heard directly from your friend that they have feelings for your partner, you can safely believe that what they’re saying is true. More than likely, if they’re confessing to you, they feel badly about these emotions. And if they feel badly, you’ll have more space to work together on a solution.

Again, make sure that you’re in a good headspace before you engage in a conversation. Don’t feel bad if you need to stop midway through to collect yourself. This type of information can be jarring, and I don’t blame you for needing time to think about it. The fact that you are asking for advice is proof enough that you have excellent emotional regulation skills!

If you aren’t quite ready to address the situation, try saying something like: “I appreciate your honesty, but I’m not sure how to react. I need some time to process this information.” Your friend’s reaction to this statement will be telling. If they are understanding and offer to give you space, I don’t doubt that the situation can be resolved without any hurt feelings on either side. If they are defensive or try to rush your answer, I again recommend thinking about the health of your friendship more generally. Do you have room to be yourself and feel your feelings?

Talking to your partner:

However you found out about your friend’s feelings, it’s important to address it with your partner. A key sign of a healthy relationship is your ability to navigate stressful situations together, and the BetterHealth channel says this can be achieved through open and honest communication. 

Approach your partner with respect and without making assumptions. Tell them honestly how you feel about your friend’s feelings, and ask for their thoughts. If they are confused and want to help you figure it out, that’s a great sign that they are in it for the long run. If they get defensive, you might want to watch the two together a bit more.

Caught in the Middle, the most important thing to remember as you navigate this uncomfortable situation is that your feelings deserve to take up space and your friend and partner should be showing up for you as you express them. Your boundaries should be respected, and your friendship should never feel like a competition. You shouldn’t have to “win” your partner again and again, and your partner should be reassuring you that this isn’t the case.

Confronting a friend is hard as is, and even harder when attraction becomes part of the equation. But you know what you need, and your friend should know too.

In other words, you don’t have to let it linger if you don’t want to. 

Love,

Lucy