Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

I feel a lot of pressure from my peers to fit in and meet certain expectations. How do you handle peer pressure and stay true to yourself? 

From,

Wannabe-Free 

Dear Wannabe-Free,

I totally get it. The pressure to fit in is like an unspoken rulebook you never signed up for. It almost calls to mind that scene from Mean Girls when Janis Ian hands Cady Heron a seating chart with each of the cliques at their high school — The Plastics, the band geeks, the “unfriendly Black hotties,” the jocks, the “cool Asians.” 

And while life may not be as obvious as a classic 2000s rom-com, the desire to conform is very real. But meeting societal expectations doesn’t make you more you, it just waters you down into a version of yourself that other people want. And who wants that?

According to a study conducted by the National Library of Medicine, “Social conformity also depends on factors of power and hierarchy, in that individuals are more inclined to conform to the opinions and beliefs of people with higher status or ranking.” 

Your desire to fit in with your peers implies that you look up to them to a certain extent. They have something that you want for yourself. And while it’s healthy to emulate the behaviors or habits that you desire for your own life, it can easily become toxic if you’re constantly comparing yourself to someone else.

To revisit the Mean Girls analogy, when The Plastics are first introduced, it’s established that Regina George is the individual everyone wants to be, the “queen bee” so to speak. She was confident, rich, and possessed that “it” factor.

While Cady was initially on board with Janis’ and Damien’s plans to sabotage Regina, Cady ends up emulating her and completely losing sight of her true identity. And while your peers might not necessarily be plotting sabotage (at least I hope they’re not), this is just to say that you’re not alone in your desire to fit in and meet societal expectations. But if it comes at the cost of becoming something you’re not, it’s not worth it.

So how do you break free? First and foremost, change isn’t going to happen overnight. You’re going to need to be patient with yourself and acknowledge that this is a process. Here are a couple of helpful habits to incorporate as you navigate societal expectations.

1.) Surround yourself with the right people

To a certain extent, it’s okay if you’re intimidated by your friends. According to Forbes, “The right circle of influence raises the bar, helping us to set new, loftier expectations of ourselves. Oftentimes, we don’t know what we are capable of until we see others achieve.” 

If the friends you’re surrounding yourself with make you feel inferior, reflect on why this may be. Are they successful in areas you wish you were? Or are they simply creating a negative environment where you feel like you’re not good enough? 

As long as your friends are motivating you to be the best version of yourself, you’re on the right track! But if you feel like you need to adopt habits that are potentially toxic in order to earn their approval, it’s time to find some new friends. 

2.) Practice saying “no”

As someone who’s guilty of people-pleasing, this can be a tricky one. Here’s an example. Let’s say your friends are attending a party on a Thursday night, and you simply don’t want to join in. Don’t be afraid to say no. You don’t have to be rude and flat out refuse; there are still plenty of ways to be respectful. Indeed even compiled an extensive list of ways to say “no” that are still mindful of others’ feelings. Here are a few examples:

Saying something like “let me think about it” leaves the other person hanging. Instead, opt for simple language like “I’m unable to” or “I can’t,” and then suggest a different time to hang out. If you want to be even more polite, you can express that you appreciate the offer but simply don’t have the time. True friends will be respectful of your time and boundaries. Plus, this is just good practice for whenever you’re in a situation you don’t want to be in. 

3.) Define your values

Defining your values starts with self-reflection. It’s about recognizing what truly matters to you, rather than what others expect of you. Think about moments when you’ve felt the most confident and at peace — those experiences often reveal your core beliefs. Consider the people you admire and what qualities they embody. Identify the things you’re unwilling to compromise on, whether it’s honesty, independence, or staying true to your passions. If you need further support in determining these values, Harvard Business Review has a helpful step-by-step guide you can follow.

When faced with peer pressure, take a moment to ask yourself, “Does this align with who I want to be?” If the answer is no, that’s a sign to trust your instincts. Staying true to your values isn’t always easy, but the right people and opportunities will always align with your authenticity in the long run.

In Mean Girls, Cady’s struggle to fit in ultimately teaches her that true confidence comes from embracing who she is, not conforming to someone else’s standards. The same lesson applies to you, Wannabe-Free. 

Research supports the idea that social belonging is a fundamental human need, but studies also show that excessive conformity can lead to a loss of personal identity and long-term dissatisfaction. By defining your values, setting boundaries, and surrounding yourself with people who uplift rather than pressure you, you’ll cultivate a sense of belonging that doesn’t come at the cost of authenticity. 

The goal isn’t to be the next Regina George or to perfectly fit into an existing mold — it’s to carve out a space where you can thrive as yourself. And in doing so, you may just find that you’re already free.

Love,

Lucy