Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

In my head I always think I want a boyfriend or just a guy I can be romantically involved with … but when I see actual people in relationships and how codependent they are, I immediately get an ick and realize that I prefer to be dependent and work on myself rather than be with a man … is there something wrong with me?  

From,

Flying Solo

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I, too, would rather be on my own than with a man (yuck!). And while the idea of someone taking me out on dates and bringing me flowers sounds nice, I remember that we are living in the 21st century, and no man is buying you flowers in 2025, especially in this economy. Plus, to quote Miley Cyrus: you can buy yourself flowers. 

So, Flying Solo, kudos to you for wanting to embrace singledom. I wish more people would because being single has its perks. For one, you don’t have to worry about being disappointed by a man — because they will always disappoint you. On a more serious note, being single gives you time to prioritize yourself, as suggested by Time Magazine. 

With that extra time, you can “figure out who you are and what you stand for,” which Clinical Psychologist Dr. Jenny Taitz says is critical. Relationships can limit your creativity and make balancing all aspects of life challenging, adding unnecessary stress. “In relationships, people risk losing touch with themselves because they have less time alone to focus on their own personal development,” says Dr. Niloo Dardashti, a New York-based psychologist and relationship expert.

Singledom allows you to work on yourself, and you’re in the best place to do it! “There’s no greater city in the world for flying solo,” Carla Sosenko, editor-in-chief of Time Out New York, says. According to figures from OkCupid, there is a higher percentage of single people in New York City than in any other city, so you’re not alone in flying solo.

It’s no secret that New Yorkers like to live to the beat of their own drum. So it’s no surprise that many New Yorkers are single — well, that and the fact that dating in NYC is terrible. “Deemed ‘cutthroat’ by freaked-out folks on the prowl, the city’s dating scene is, unfortunately, oversaturated with noncommittal singles,” according to the NY Post. But the city allows you to rediscover yourself. The same cannot be said for small towns where everybody knows everybody. You can disappear and get lost in the crowds of people, which may even allow you to realize that being alone isn’t so bad when the city can be your soulmate.

But is being single really better? Well, that depends. According to one 2021 study, leisure activities provide a wide array of health benefits, and the best part is you don’t need to do these with a partner or a group. Still, you may want to consider a relationship sometime down the road because while New York is an excellent soulmate, it can get pretty lonely after a while — especially if you are new to the city or live alone. 

I suggest using the time you are single to consider what you want out of a relationship. And like I said, there’s no better place to contemplate your love life than NYC. “By exploring different romantic possibilities, you learn what your strengths, weaknesses, and needs are in intimate relationships,” Saya Des Marais, MSW, writes in PsychCentral. “This can help you learn more about yourself and clarify what you’re looking for in an eventual partner.”

How do you explore your romantic possibilities? Start by figuring out what you want from a romantic relationship. Do you want something casual or serious? What kind of people do you see yourself with romantically? Know exactly what you want, and if you’re thinking, I don’t know what I want, then now’s the perfect time to figure it out!

Consider how you can contribute to your desired relationship. What do you bring to the table? You may answer this question by thinking about love languages or how you like to receive and give love. Think about your past relationships, platonic or otherwise, to help you figure out what you bring to the table. Using that information, go out into the world and look for people, places, and things that fulfill those romantic interests. Think of it as research; the more data you have, the more accurate the end result.

Or perhaps you might decide to be independent for good like Bella DePaulo, who has genuinely embraced single life: DePaulo describes herself as ‘single at heart,’ a term she coined to challenge the notion that single life is something people settle for. Instead of investing in romance, DePaulo invests her energy into friends, family, and most importantly, herself. “People who are single at heart understand that love encompasses far more than just romantic love. They understand that intimacy can include sexual intimacy, but it also includes emotional intimacy,” DePaulo said in a UC Santa Barbara article. 

DePaulo is proof that one can live a happy life on one’s own despite living in a world where being single is discouraged. “I think of it not as a lesser life or a more limiting life, but a more expansive life,” DePaulo said.

I’ve always been uninterested in wasting my single years on toxic relationships or, worse, situationships. But every time I watch rom-coms or shows with epic love stories — like the one between Kate Sharma and Anthony Bridgerton in Season 2 of Bridgerton — I can’t help but wonder why I cannot find a man like Anthony Bridgerton. 

The truth is, Sabrina Carpenter was right: “A boy who’s nice that breathes, I swear he’s nowhere to be seen.” It really is “Slim Pickins,” Flying Solo, so embrace your independence and, when the time is right, you’ll find a relationship worthwhile.

Love,

Lucy