Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself.

Dear Lucy,

How do I not cheat on my significant other?

From,

Conflicted Partner

Dear Conflicted Partner, 

Relationships are beautiful, but they can also be incredibly hard. Juggling the needs and expectations of your partner all while navigating the added stressors of work, family, and life can become overwhelming. What once felt like love and affection might start to feel like pressure and obligation. 

Sometimes, the texts that once made your heart flutter start to feel like just another demand. That quiet shift, from feeling cherished to being burdened, can be subtle yet powerful. 

There are many reasons people feel tempted to cheat: feeling unseen, unimportant, emotionally disconnected, or simply overwhelmed. When connection fades, people often look outside for what they feel is missing: validation, attention, or emotional intimacy. 

Newsweek reports cheating is hardly random, “When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavorable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love,” explains Jinashree Rajendrakumar, a certified Gottman couple therapist. 

According to three scientists researching relationships at The Gottman Institute, “Cheating is preceded by a cascade of steps that lead to the act of betrayal,” Newsweek reported. Breakdowns may result in “turning away or against your partner, avoiding conflict, investing less in the relationship, feeling less dependent, idealizing alternative relationships, feeling resentful or lonely, holding secrets and crossing boundaries.”  

People feeling trapped may search for the things they desire in a relationship in others that aren’t their partner. The fantasy of another person or relationship can be a happy replacement to imagine if you’re experiencing feelings of dissatisfaction. 

But the truth is, cheating doesn’t resolve the tension. It magnifies it. What starts as an escape becomes another burden  — secrecy, guilt, fractured trust, and emotional fallout. 

Ask yourself honestly, do you want to stay with your partner? 

If the answer is yes, then it’s worth investing some more time and effort. Reflect on how it felt at the beginning  — the excitement, vulnerability, the joy in those small moments. Rebuilding that connection is possible, but it requires a mutual effort. 

Verywellmind, an online psychology resource, suggests rebuilding connection through regular quality time, open communication, and small gestures of love. “Think about the life you want to build with your partner and remember that infidelity could jeopardize those dreams. Reminding yourself of the long-term effects of cheating can help you stay grounded and committed to your relationship.”

Verywellmind also wrote, “Sometimes in a relationship, especially a long-term one, you may feel like you’ve lost yourself. If you’ve been dealing with feelings of temptation and can’t identify the root cause, it may be time to refocus on your own personal growth and well-being.” Creating boundaries to avoid any temptation, along with practicing healthy coping mechanisms, are strategies that can help improve self-esteem.   

Sometimes, temptation isn’t just about the relationship, it’s about losing yourself within it. Take time to focus on your personal growth, and goals. Pursue hobbies, practice self-care, and explore what makes you feel fulfilled outside of your relationship. A stronger connection with yourself leads to a healthier connection with your partner. 

According to a study done at the University of Rochester, practicing empathy can reduce the temptation for alternative relationships. The study revealed that the “practice [of] empathy is to try to adopt another person’s perspective.” Researchers examined interactions with study participants, comparing the level of commitment and desire for their current partner. The study also found that “adopting a partner’s perspective increased commitment and desire for the partner, while simultaneously decreasing sexual and romantic interest in alternative mates.” Trying to see things from your partner’s perspective can help decrease the likelihood of engaging in behaviors that may damage your relationship or hurt your partner. 

Harry T. Reis, professor of psychology at University of Rochester, and author of Relationships, Well-Being and Behaviour wrote that cheating is, “prioritizing one’s own goals over the good of the partner and the relationship, so seeing things from the other person’s perspective gives one a more balanced view of these situations.” 

No relationship can thrive without honest communication. If something feels off, say so. 

If you’re frustrated or hurt, talk about it. Silence breeds distance, but speaking your truth, even if it leads to hard conversations or fights, allows for mutual healing and growth.

Per Psychology Today, adhering to your partner’s specific love language can help bridge the emotional gap. Whether through words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, or physical affection, these small but intentional gestures can foster a relationship that feels more thoughtful and connected.

Seeking validation outside of your relationship might feel thrilling and offer that much-needed temporary reprieve, but the consequences are far worse. Cheating is more than a mistake, it’s a reflection of deeper issues left unresolved. 

There is always another option. If love really is gone, it may be time to step back and think about what you truly want; for yourself and the relationship. 

Breaking up is one of the most stressful yet necessary parts of a relationship. Closure for both parties is essential to gain the confidence to move forward and take the risk of heart break again. 

Psychology Today also offered some tips to break up firmly while being empathetic, “Accept the reasons the relationship didn’t work while retaining the ability to look back on it with warmth. The person you’re breaking up with deserves the same, and will need to experience the breakup in a way that doesn’t overwhelm their good memories.”

Be honest with yourself and end the relationship as soon as you know it’s time; there’s no reason to drag it out and extend the pain. Break up in person, don’t do it over the phone or in a public place. Be clear about your reasons for breaking up, avoid vague language, and take responsibility for the decision. Try not to devalue their feelings, friend zone or offer false hope for the future. By providing respect and closure, you both will have the tools to move on. 

Conflicted Partner, if you truly want the relationship to last, don’t run away from the discomfort, lean into it. Fix what’s broken and reconnect. Honesty and vulnerability are pillars to a healthy relationship, allow yourself the opportunity to keep an open mind and return to those feelings that drew you to your partner in the first place. 

But if you’re scheduling the dreaded breakup instead, allow yourself to replay memories of the good moments and remember how powerful it made you feel knowing someone had your back. Relationships may come and go, but there is only one you. Use the time to know exactly what you want out of a partnership, and the non-negotiables you are unwilling to let go of. Experiences are lessons, take the opportunity to learn what you want. 

Love, 

Lucy